Monday, November 19, 2012

Realizing how bad I was

I studied today. Okay, I just read a chapter in a book. But it was, well, easy to do that. I think I must have spent weeks trying to read that chapter, in the previous months- and now I did it in an hour.

I was so cognitively impaired. I was really scared to go on lithium, scared of cognitive side effects. But really, there is nothing as bad for your mind as severe depression. And besides, I am on a pretty low dose, not like last time. My level is only 0.4.

It's funny. I have been feeling like I am not as sharp- although objectively, that is so totally not true. And then I realized, I think my brain was interpreting the state of heightened arousal, that anxious depression I was in, as mental sharpness. But it couldn't have been further from the truth. And my relative calmness now is certainly not a sign of dumbness. I just have to get used to it being different.

1 comment:

Jodi @ Heal Now said...

Great insight Jean! Depression can mask or mimic so many things, it is helpful to tease it out! Great job!