The loneliness of depression

I am no longer feeling so "mixed" today, although I did have to take a sliver of klnopin and a sliver of zyprexa to take the edge off. But what is left is pure depression. Really bad depression, like I haven't had in some time. How did this happen so fast?

And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.

But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?

If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.

We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.

Summer Solstice

I have been "celebrating" the summer solstice in a drug-induced fog this weekend. I found myself going into a mixed state over the past couple of weeks, and by Friday I could stand it no longer. I got home from work and thought I would knock myself out with some Klonopin and Zyprexa- only it didn't knock me out. Normally it would have, but I was in a state where is didn't.

It started a couple of weeks ago- but I didn't really put it together. I was waking up early in the mornings around 4am (I was still falling asleep at night due to the ambien). And then I kept telling myself that I must be drinking too much coffee, or maybe a I had some really super strong coffee- because that is what if felt like. But cutting down on the caffeine didn't help. And them my mood started to go south- but I blame that on tryiing to reduce my Zyprexa.

There was a new article in the American Journal of Psychiatry showing how bad antipsychotics are for the brain- and not that I didn't know from previous research- I just know I had to give it another try to get off them. But by the 5th day the depression got so bad I went back up (I had only gone down by 1.25mg). Going back up helped a little with the depression, but not with the feeling that I was crawling out of my skin.

So by Friday night, it was time for action. Take the dreaded Zyprexa, even more of it, and klonopin. Eventually I got myself to sleep. Yesterday I drugged myself up again when the feelings started to return. Today hasn't been quite as bad, and I have eased up on the drugs. By tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal dosages, with maybe a tiny crumb of klonopin.

If only it could have been a happy hypomania. This mixed states suck.

And it sucks that I take Zyprexa. But I think for now I will stay on it. It is only 5mg, I tell myself. Except for times like this, when I take more to get me out of an episode. But whenever I try to get off of it, bad things happen.

My birthday gift

I was in a good mood today. I did not feel physically exhausted, light headed, etc. No joints or muscles hurt. I did not have a headache or stomach ache.

My mind felt good, my body felt good, and I had energy. What more could one ask for? It was a gift.

And I broke all the rules, at least in terms of eating things I would think I shouldn't eat, like sugar and wheat and dairy. I still feel good.

I'm 46. There were years I never thought I would make it this long. I wonder if I will live as long as my grandmothers. Then I'm really at midlife. I would have 46 more years. But I don't if I will live that long. They didn't take all these meds.

But I am kind of glad I made it to 46. Although a few days ago, I wouldn't have been so glad. I was going through a rough patch. Today is a good day.

New day, better day

I did have that glass of wine last night. It turns out I had a bottle of wine from when my mother was last here- we bought a couple. I made some improvised sangria- I filled a wine glass half with raspberries, drizzled them with honey, added cranberry juice cocktail, and then filled the rest of the glass with red wine. It was good. And I chilled out. And went to bed early.

Today was a much better day. I managed not to hold on to yesterday's depression. I did find my mood plummeting pretty badly in the early afternoon for some reason, but then it got better. And I was at a course all day, I have no idea what was going on. I think I am too tired of trying to figure my moods out. Is it food? Is it sleep? Is it life?

That is one of the dialectics- just going with the flow of my emotions vs trying to control them. I use medication, do light therapy, get enough sleep, try to eat well, etc. I try to control things. And yet, at the same time, in the moment, I have to just go with the flow, and accept that no matter how much I try to do right, it will never be enough to always be feeling good. It can be hard to accept.

My first really bad day in a while

Today a lot of little things and a couple of big things, plus not too much sleep the night before conspired to put me in a terrible mood today. I actually left work 15 minutes early, as my last patient did not show up. Paperwork will be finished on the weekend.

It was the first day I really felt that bad at work. I couldn't finish my notes. I had to get away, once I no longer had my patients to distract me. I actually felt good while I was treating patients, I just couldn't deal with the down time.

I didn't really know how to make myself feel better. I ate dinner, and sat and watched the news- not recommended. I suppose this is when you have a glass of wine or a drink, but I am not in that habit. Instead I had a crumb of a klonopin, which took the edge off of what I was feeling, but didn't really make me feel good. Next time I think I'll go for the wine.

I wish I had a bathtub. Then I could take the warm bath that everyone talks about. I felt too guilty to eat ice cream or anything bad- so I just ate too much of regular food. I should have gone for ice cream.

I just feel exhausted. Physically exhausted. Like I don't want to move. I'm lying in bed right now, listening to music. And I want something more.

What did I think, that the depression was never going to show its head again? That going back to work would be a piece of cake? There are reasons why people go on disability, there are reasons why I was on disability.

But one day is just one day. As they say, tomorrow is another day. I'll try not to prejudge it. It could be awesome.

Would you die for freedom?

No, I'm not talking about a war or battle. I'm talking about healthcare.

There was a time when there wasn't much that doctors could do for you other than set a broken bone. Times have changed. For many people, modern medicine is life-saving.

There was also a time when, if you were willing to work hard, you could probably get a job with health insurance. That is increasingly not the case. And, unless you are healthy and wealthy, buying a policy privately is not possible.

So do we want the government to step in?

Republicans love to say that you can always go the nearest emergency room and get care. Well, that is only true because of federal law, which demands that all patients receive emergency care without regard to the ability to pay. If you really want the government out of health care, that safety net will be gone.

I used to think I had a libertarian streak in me- but I know that there is no way private insurance would ever offer affordable health care to the elderly and the disabled without some kind of government intervention and support. Insurance companies want to cover the well, and that is their right in a capitalistic system.

I don't know what I think of "Obamacare." In many ways, it is a terrible bill. But is it better than doing nothing? I'm not sure.

Healthcare was changing, anyway.

Health insurance companies are getting more intrusive, too.  They give you rewards and penalties.

I just got a letter in the mail today from my insurance company. I guess I have been an expensive enough patient this year that they are offering me a health coach. I am supposed to call to either accept or to turn them down. I can't imagine they have anything useful to offer.

My trip to my shrink

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday- and it was the most uneventful appointment I'd had in a long time. I really had no complaints. We did determine, however, that I have a mild tremor in my left hand (very minor), since going on the lithium. Do I care? No.

I like this guy. He is the first person who actually looks for things like tremors and tardive dyskinesia, no other doctor has. What I really think is, if I psychiatrist can't be a doctor, then let psychologist prescribe. You have to be a doctor if you are a psychiatrist. These are powerful meds you are giving people, with often terrible side effects.

I asked him my question, which I know he doesn't know the answer to: what are the odds that I can stay on 5mg of Zyprexa the rest of my life and not get tardive dyskinesia? And he hedged. He said, a lot better than with the older drugs, but that the odds obviously increase the longer I am on the drug. He said that the important thing would be to catch it early.

I am kind of at peace with my meds right now. I don't want to think about making changes, getting off of things. Other than the Effexor, I am not on a high dose of anything. Side effects are pretty manageable, and my head feels clearer than it has in years. I can concentrate. However bad the meds can be for your mind, depression is worse. I have been wanting to blame the meds for my inability to concentrate the past couple of years- even though I was pretty continually depressed during this time. I even tried coming off of things. But what gave me my mind back was actually going on lithium.

No my life is not perfect. I still really struggle with a lot of things. More that I would like. But perhaps if I didn't, I would complain that the meds made me flat.

Meds don't fix everything. DBT doesn't fix everything. But I am glad that they have fixed some things.