I am not having a lot of "I can't stand another second more" moments these days. I am just having my moments of wondering how much longer I have to put up with going on living. There seems to be nothing that I want. I can't even figure out what to eat for breakfast- there is nothing that I want to eat. But it is my late day at work, I will be starving by lunch (and then eat something bad).
I have a problem with initiation and with keeping going through difficulty and I don't know how much of it is depression, meds, or my underlying personality. But perhaps it doesn't matter. The answer is the same- I have to treat initiation as a muscle and see if I can strengthen it.
There is this catch-22 about depression. If you are depressed, in part because your life is empty and miserable- then the answer, at least in part- is action. But the thought of action seems very unpleasant, and it is all that I can do just to keep going in the basics of my life- how can I do more? And so the thought of doing more makes me more depressed, and yet not doing more makes me more depressed because it does nothing to make my life better.
There are many reasons why I am so devastated by my mother's cancer. But a part of it is that I have so few people in my life. My brother has a wife, kids, even in-laws. I still can't figure out how he turned out so normal! I think his wife has a lot to do with it. Plus he has always made connections with people, wherever he went.
In two and a half weeks I go to see my mother, who is now on oxygen. I'll see if a week is the right amount of time to go for. My plan is to go every month until I use up my PTO, and then to start using family leave. I don't know how much time she has left. A doctor in July told her she had less than a year (and he made it sound like quite a bit less) if she did not do chemo or surgery. But that is just an average, and I don't know if any of the alternative things that she did bought her some time.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Faster and faster
My mother was in the hospital again. They called 911 when she felt like she couldn't breath Tuesday night. She just got released. They sent her home on oxygen. This is going to be a big adjustment.
I think the hospice discussion is going to happen soon, but I don't know if I need to be there in person to bring it up. She seemed to frazzled today to talk about it on the phone, I wasn't sure the timing was right. I wish I was going to visit them earlier than I am- I don't know if it can wait a month.
I'm glad that she had a good Thanksgiving with her children and grandchildren. It has been downhill from there. Somehow I didn't think it would be so fast. When they said under a year without chemo, I thought somehow she'd get the full year. And I thought that there would be time during which she would still have some health and not be so focused on finding a cure that we could do something together. But that was my wish, and it is her cancer. She will spend it doing what she wants.
I want her to find acceptance. What else is there at this stage? I want her to have peace. And I want to be able to really talk to her- but maybe that is my fault for treating her like a child and not telling her what I think the truth is more often. And I want to be there. But I don't want to quit my job here.
I want, I want. I need to accept. At least today I am not crying. Amazing what an increase in Effexor can do. That was what stopped the tears. I'd like to say it was radical acceptance or inner strength or something. It was drugs. But drugs that let me do my work. There have been tears, and there will be a time for tears again. But when I am crying at work- that is what is unacceptable- because then I can't do my job.
I think the hospice discussion is going to happen soon, but I don't know if I need to be there in person to bring it up. She seemed to frazzled today to talk about it on the phone, I wasn't sure the timing was right. I wish I was going to visit them earlier than I am- I don't know if it can wait a month.
I'm glad that she had a good Thanksgiving with her children and grandchildren. It has been downhill from there. Somehow I didn't think it would be so fast. When they said under a year without chemo, I thought somehow she'd get the full year. And I thought that there would be time during which she would still have some health and not be so focused on finding a cure that we could do something together. But that was my wish, and it is her cancer. She will spend it doing what she wants.
I want her to find acceptance. What else is there at this stage? I want her to have peace. And I want to be able to really talk to her- but maybe that is my fault for treating her like a child and not telling her what I think the truth is more often. And I want to be there. But I don't want to quit my job here.
I want, I want. I need to accept. At least today I am not crying. Amazing what an increase in Effexor can do. That was what stopped the tears. I'd like to say it was radical acceptance or inner strength or something. It was drugs. But drugs that let me do my work. There have been tears, and there will be a time for tears again. But when I am crying at work- that is what is unacceptable- because then I can't do my job.
Monday, January 18, 2016
And so it begins
My mother was in the hospital last week for two nights. Of course no one told me until I called. She got a blood transfusion for anemia, potassium, fluids, and vitamin K because her INR was so high. Of course no one bothered to call me, I didn't find out until the second night when I called. They also did a chest x-ray because of her constant cough. The last MRI found a spot on her lungs- and pancreatic cancer can spread to the lungs. Now there are more spots, and she has fluid in her lungs.
I have been a total wreck since then. I feel like I am falling apart. It is not that I didn't know my mother was dying, but somehow perhaps I didn't have a timeline for it. And I feel terrible for being so far away. And my mother and my aunt are continuing to fight so horribly, neither makes sense. My mother is less and less rational and my aunt is drinking more and more. And they both still talk as though they can beat this. Maybe they will go to Mexico to a clinic. Or somewhere else. I again made my offer to my mother- come here and I'll get a two bedroom apartment and maybe you can have some peace. But she won't leave her mother. Even though, eventually, she will be and my aunt will be the one responsible for her.
I spent the weekend kind of medicated myself. Zyprexa and klonopin. I slept a lot and cried a lot. And somehow got myself into work to do paperwork on Sunday, although not nearly as long as I needed to. This morning I am feeling somewhat better.
If my mom's life was chaos, I suppose it is only fitting that her death would be too.
Partially it is the chaos and conflict that is getting to me. I can't handle it. And partially it is the increasing realization that I will never have the good times with her that I had hoped to have. I really hoped that, after her mother died, she would come live near me. Not with me, but near me. And maybe now that she is not drinking and neither of us is too mental at the moment, we could have some kind of a good relationship. But it is not going to happen.
And it is all the more of a loss in my life because I don't have that many people in my life. My brother has a wife, kids, even in-laws. I think it is different.
There was a time when I thought that 75 was old. It doesn't seem so old anymore. Especially when my dad is 85 and my grandmother is 95. My mom will probably be outlived by her mother.
I have been a total wreck since then. I feel like I am falling apart. It is not that I didn't know my mother was dying, but somehow perhaps I didn't have a timeline for it. And I feel terrible for being so far away. And my mother and my aunt are continuing to fight so horribly, neither makes sense. My mother is less and less rational and my aunt is drinking more and more. And they both still talk as though they can beat this. Maybe they will go to Mexico to a clinic. Or somewhere else. I again made my offer to my mother- come here and I'll get a two bedroom apartment and maybe you can have some peace. But she won't leave her mother. Even though, eventually, she will be and my aunt will be the one responsible for her.
I spent the weekend kind of medicated myself. Zyprexa and klonopin. I slept a lot and cried a lot. And somehow got myself into work to do paperwork on Sunday, although not nearly as long as I needed to. This morning I am feeling somewhat better.
If my mom's life was chaos, I suppose it is only fitting that her death would be too.
Partially it is the chaos and conflict that is getting to me. I can't handle it. And partially it is the increasing realization that I will never have the good times with her that I had hoped to have. I really hoped that, after her mother died, she would come live near me. Not with me, but near me. And maybe now that she is not drinking and neither of us is too mental at the moment, we could have some kind of a good relationship. But it is not going to happen.
And it is all the more of a loss in my life because I don't have that many people in my life. My brother has a wife, kids, even in-laws. I think it is different.
There was a time when I thought that 75 was old. It doesn't seem so old anymore. Especially when my dad is 85 and my grandmother is 95. My mom will probably be outlived by her mother.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
I'm in a strange place (for me)
I'm doing better enough that I am actually thinking about lowering medications. I actually have already lowered my Effexor from 450mg to 300mg, and after a rough month I think I am in at least as good a mood as I was before. Should I go lower?
It is not that I don't have my down times- but there are things that meds can't help me with- except to get me through the moment. Like last weekend when I was so overwhelmed with everything I had to do I shut down and couldn't stop crying and took Zyprexa and klonopin. But the meds never really got me to be able to multi-task and prioritize and have the executive skills that most people have. They never helped my initiation. I have to work on that in other ways. DBT. Meditation. And when it gets to be too much, I run to my pills maybe- but that is better than taking higher doses all of the time and being too out of it.
I've also lowered my Provigil by half a pill. And the klonopin, which had been creeping up, is back to half a milligram a day most days- except for the days I am too wound up at the end of the day to sleep. Then I might take another quarter milligram.
I know that the key to this is doing it really slowly. I should stay where I am with the Effexor for a while. But the reason I think that maybe I should get off of it is that if I forget to take my morning meds (but I take my Provigil separately, so I usually take that one), I often feel better and have am less tired- until I start feeling withdrawal. I don't know why. Could it be the morning Effexor dose I am missing? The morning Zonegran? My blood pressure medication? I should experiment.
I also feel like I can't go off of the Zonegran unless I go off of the Effexor, or at least to a low dose of it. I once had a seizure- during a brief time when I was not on an anticonvulsant and just on lithium- and they said that it was from high levels of an antidepressant. So I am a little hesitant to take an antidepressant without an anticonvulsant, especially a high dose of one.
It is really nice to have a 3 day weekend with the holiday. Not just this week, but two weeks in a row. Plus we are closing early today, I think my last patient is at 1:30. Not too many people want to come to therapy on Christmas Eve.
Every year at Christmas patients give us food. This year must break the record. We have so much candy, chocolate, cookies, and cakes. It is unbelievable. And very sweet- in both meanings of the word.
It is not that I don't have my down times- but there are things that meds can't help me with- except to get me through the moment. Like last weekend when I was so overwhelmed with everything I had to do I shut down and couldn't stop crying and took Zyprexa and klonopin. But the meds never really got me to be able to multi-task and prioritize and have the executive skills that most people have. They never helped my initiation. I have to work on that in other ways. DBT. Meditation. And when it gets to be too much, I run to my pills maybe- but that is better than taking higher doses all of the time and being too out of it.
I've also lowered my Provigil by half a pill. And the klonopin, which had been creeping up, is back to half a milligram a day most days- except for the days I am too wound up at the end of the day to sleep. Then I might take another quarter milligram.
I know that the key to this is doing it really slowly. I should stay where I am with the Effexor for a while. But the reason I think that maybe I should get off of it is that if I forget to take my morning meds (but I take my Provigil separately, so I usually take that one), I often feel better and have am less tired- until I start feeling withdrawal. I don't know why. Could it be the morning Effexor dose I am missing? The morning Zonegran? My blood pressure medication? I should experiment.
I also feel like I can't go off of the Zonegran unless I go off of the Effexor, or at least to a low dose of it. I once had a seizure- during a brief time when I was not on an anticonvulsant and just on lithium- and they said that it was from high levels of an antidepressant. So I am a little hesitant to take an antidepressant without an anticonvulsant, especially a high dose of one.
It is really nice to have a 3 day weekend with the holiday. Not just this week, but two weeks in a row. Plus we are closing early today, I think my last patient is at 1:30. Not too many people want to come to therapy on Christmas Eve.
Every year at Christmas patients give us food. This year must break the record. We have so much candy, chocolate, cookies, and cakes. It is unbelievable. And very sweet- in both meanings of the word.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Still moody, but at a higher level
I am doing much better. My lows aren't as low and my highs are higher. I am still moody, and my mood swings can be quite severe. Sometimes it is my fault- like the night I had wine and felt awful the next day, and then yesterday when I let myself run out of synthroid. And sometimes it is just the pressures of life that I am responding too as I am trying to get caught up from being depressed for so long and my mother and various other things. And sometimes I just don't know.
I still have trouble with initiation but it is a little better. And I still have trouble with energy but most days it is better, at least somewhat. I think those are the hardest things that I deal with.
I wish I had more weekend. Tomorrow I am going to a Handel's Messiah sing along, something I have always wanted to do. I am going with my day near where he lives. I sang it in glee club in college- well, some of it. And they will have scores there. I think it will be fun. But I am basically going to be losing the day (other than also making my monthly trip to Costco for my Provigil). I won't make it to church, I have been saying I would start going to church for advent. Last week I was at my dad's for his birthday. And now this. Not enough time.
Today I need a day at home, I really do. I had so much going on this past week- even though some of it good- I am still someone who needs to recharge. If I am really good I'll make it out for a walk. But I have mountains of laundry to do and so much cleaning to do.
My dream is to work fewer hours a week. I work 40 on paper (which is 42.5 including lunch). I have always worked 37.5 in the past, so this job is more for me. Plus I put in a lot of extra time with paperwork- and occasionally stay late to get in an urgent post-op patient in. 36 hours would still be full time, and that is what I really want to work- I think it would make a big difference in my energy and I could still afford to live on it. But it is not an options- they said that it would take hours away from the position and they don't want to do it. And really, that wouldn't mean there are less patients. We are a small department and I am the only full-time therapist at my site.
But things may change. Insurance is getting worse- I had a patient come in the other day with a $100 co-pay. She is not coming back. We may find that we are not getting enough patients to justify my hours. Especially during the slow season. And I could flex up during the winter when it seems to get crazy with all the wrist fractures from all the falls. But we also have a new hand surgeon- and although he is only at our site 1 day a week, that may be enough to keep our numbers up.
I think it takes more energy to create a life than to keep a life going. And I have no life other than work, and it has really been that way for many years. It has been hard enough to keep that going. I thought my next step would be church, but other things are getting in the way. I think that eventually I want to join a chorus- I just found out about two that are possibilities- you don't have to be wonderful singers who can sight read. And I want to take piano lessons again- but I don't think I can afford that plus therapy at the moment. I just started up therapy again with my old therapist who doesn't take insurance after two unsuccessful tries with in-network therapists. Now that I no longer have out-of-network benefits, I was hoping to find someone who took my insurance, but I don't have the patience to keep trying.
I still have trouble with initiation but it is a little better. And I still have trouble with energy but most days it is better, at least somewhat. I think those are the hardest things that I deal with.
I wish I had more weekend. Tomorrow I am going to a Handel's Messiah sing along, something I have always wanted to do. I am going with my day near where he lives. I sang it in glee club in college- well, some of it. And they will have scores there. I think it will be fun. But I am basically going to be losing the day (other than also making my monthly trip to Costco for my Provigil). I won't make it to church, I have been saying I would start going to church for advent. Last week I was at my dad's for his birthday. And now this. Not enough time.
Today I need a day at home, I really do. I had so much going on this past week- even though some of it good- I am still someone who needs to recharge. If I am really good I'll make it out for a walk. But I have mountains of laundry to do and so much cleaning to do.
My dream is to work fewer hours a week. I work 40 on paper (which is 42.5 including lunch). I have always worked 37.5 in the past, so this job is more for me. Plus I put in a lot of extra time with paperwork- and occasionally stay late to get in an urgent post-op patient in. 36 hours would still be full time, and that is what I really want to work- I think it would make a big difference in my energy and I could still afford to live on it. But it is not an options- they said that it would take hours away from the position and they don't want to do it. And really, that wouldn't mean there are less patients. We are a small department and I am the only full-time therapist at my site.
But things may change. Insurance is getting worse- I had a patient come in the other day with a $100 co-pay. She is not coming back. We may find that we are not getting enough patients to justify my hours. Especially during the slow season. And I could flex up during the winter when it seems to get crazy with all the wrist fractures from all the falls. But we also have a new hand surgeon- and although he is only at our site 1 day a week, that may be enough to keep our numbers up.
I think it takes more energy to create a life than to keep a life going. And I have no life other than work, and it has really been that way for many years. It has been hard enough to keep that going. I thought my next step would be church, but other things are getting in the way. I think that eventually I want to join a chorus- I just found out about two that are possibilities- you don't have to be wonderful singers who can sight read. And I want to take piano lessons again- but I don't think I can afford that plus therapy at the moment. I just started up therapy again with my old therapist who doesn't take insurance after two unsuccessful tries with in-network therapists. Now that I no longer have out-of-network benefits, I was hoping to find someone who took my insurance, but I don't have the patience to keep trying.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Setting the bar pretty low
I saw my psychiatrist last week and I told him how well I was doing. Afterwards I wondered if I had really meant it- I am still pretty miserable. But I realized that I no longer want to kill myself, and haven't in the past month or so, and compared to where I was a couple of months ago, that is quite a bit of progress. So for me, not being suicidal is doing well, I guess. I hope that is not as good as it gets.
My mom is still doing reasonably well although the tumors are progressing and she is starting to have more digestive problems from not being able to absorb her food as well. She still thinks she can beat this, and is trying a lot of things. She feels overwhelmed, and I would to with all that she is doing. That is one of the reasons that I can't be there. I don't think she is going to beat this.
This week I had a mammogram. I am not even sure I believe in them with all of the recent research, but I did it. I decided, though, that if they found another thing that had to be biopsied or followed with ultrasounds that wasn't cancer that I was going to stop having them.
The violence in France is pretty awful. Extremist Islam is really scary. During the Reformation, Christians managed to kill off a third of the population of Europe using swords and bows. What will these Islamists do with access to machine guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction?
My mom is still doing reasonably well although the tumors are progressing and she is starting to have more digestive problems from not being able to absorb her food as well. She still thinks she can beat this, and is trying a lot of things. She feels overwhelmed, and I would to with all that she is doing. That is one of the reasons that I can't be there. I don't think she is going to beat this.
This week I had a mammogram. I am not even sure I believe in them with all of the recent research, but I did it. I decided, though, that if they found another thing that had to be biopsied or followed with ultrasounds that wasn't cancer that I was going to stop having them.
The violence in France is pretty awful. Extremist Islam is really scary. During the Reformation, Christians managed to kill off a third of the population of Europe using swords and bows. What will these Islamists do with access to machine guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction?
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Back home
I spent almost a week at my mother's. My brother was there too. We had scheduled the trip because she was supposed to be having surgery this past week, but that had been cancelled after her last MRI. But we went anyway to support her and go with her for second opinions, to get her port put in for chemo, for her appointment with an alternative doctor, to organize and copy documents, etc. It was good that we went. And good to go away.
I feel like a bad daughter for saying that. But it wasn't even my mother that was the problem, it was my grandmother- who has a mean streak and I never got along with, and now that the is old and her memory is going when I get angry I can only feel guilty, I can't defend myself. And the drama in my family, between my mother, sister, and grandmother- who all live together- it just too much for me. I hate conflict.
I feel incredibly guilty that I will not be there next Thursday when she is supposed to start chemo. I don't have a lot of PTO left. I do have 12 weeks of unpaid PTO that I can take- but I don't want to take it too soon , because that is all that I can take. And if she is going to have 3 months of chemo and then surgery- I can't use it up all now.
I also have doctor and dentist appointments in September. And I am trying to save up money for unpaid leave. I have enough money for 1 month. I need two months more.
My boss asked me if I wanted to move to Atlanta. I felt like she was trying to get rid of me. I don't know if that was her intent or not. I feel like I should move there, I just don't want to. I don't like it there. Plus if I start a new job there I won't have any FML for a year.
I have to stay at my current job until January to get that little bit of a pension I will get, before they froze it and went to a 403b. I don't know if taking a FML changes that, if I would have to stay longer. I should ask HR. Also, with my implants, I think I don't get the actual teeth until March- so I will at least need to be coming back here until then.
When I have thought about moving, it has always been about moving closer to my brother and nieces. Never farther away. But for now I am staying put.
I feel like a bad daughter for saying that. But it wasn't even my mother that was the problem, it was my grandmother- who has a mean streak and I never got along with, and now that the is old and her memory is going when I get angry I can only feel guilty, I can't defend myself. And the drama in my family, between my mother, sister, and grandmother- who all live together- it just too much for me. I hate conflict.
I feel incredibly guilty that I will not be there next Thursday when she is supposed to start chemo. I don't have a lot of PTO left. I do have 12 weeks of unpaid PTO that I can take- but I don't want to take it too soon , because that is all that I can take. And if she is going to have 3 months of chemo and then surgery- I can't use it up all now.
I also have doctor and dentist appointments in September. And I am trying to save up money for unpaid leave. I have enough money for 1 month. I need two months more.
My boss asked me if I wanted to move to Atlanta. I felt like she was trying to get rid of me. I don't know if that was her intent or not. I feel like I should move there, I just don't want to. I don't like it there. Plus if I start a new job there I won't have any FML for a year.
I have to stay at my current job until January to get that little bit of a pension I will get, before they froze it and went to a 403b. I don't know if taking a FML changes that, if I would have to stay longer. I should ask HR. Also, with my implants, I think I don't get the actual teeth until March- so I will at least need to be coming back here until then.
When I have thought about moving, it has always been about moving closer to my brother and nieces. Never farther away. But for now I am staying put.
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