By 3 or 4pm things seem to get somewhat better, and I'm not so tearful, not so afraid that I'm going to be audibly repeating the words "I wish I were dead" that repeat constant in my head. But it is still bad. I go home and collapse.
Of course I have gone back on the Abilify. And I am doing my light therapy again, which I don't always do during the summer- but it has been so cloudy and rainy that I think I need it.
And then Tuesday I dragged myself to therapy after work. Somehow. And I am glad that I did.
I have always said that therapy does nothing for me when I am really depressed, except maybe let me vent. But my new therapist, who is big into DBT, focused on mindfulness, and that is something that I have never tried when depressed. And it helped. No, it didn't make the depression go away. But it did make it more bearable.
Depression takes so much away. When there is nothing that you want, life becomes just something that you have to push through, waiting to die. But I'm not suicidal, somehow. I guess there is still a part of me that is telling me this is probably just due to coming down on the Abilify, and that going back up on it will fix it. I hope. If not, I don't know what I am going to do.