Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I think I am starting to get better, but it is so slow!

I'm starting to feel better, I think, especially by late afternoon. Mornings are still pure hell- although, I have to admit, I did not have to go to the bathroom to cry even once today at work. That is progress.

But my mind is slow, I'm not on the ball, especially in the mornings and early afternoon. Then is starts to get better. I find myself wondering- is this the depression getting better, or is this the drugs from the previous night getting out of my system? Is it time to cut down on the Zyprexa? Maybe so. At least a little bit.

I feel like this is going to take a really long time. I am in such a deep hole, such a bad place, and I really have not been this depressed for some time. And in the past- when I would go on an antidepressant to get over my depressions, I would usually have a few days of hypomania when I came out of them. And it was so nice to suddenly have so much enthusiasm for life, when you have just made this big mess of it while depressed. But it is not to be this time, not if Zyprexa and possibly lithium are going to be what saves me. I am going to crawl out of this one, and then have to face the mess that is my life. I just want to run away.

What I can't deal with is the fatigue- although even that is better. The feeling of paralysis, that my muscles won't hold me up- that is better. Now it is more general fatigue, if that makes any sense.

That I am still working is because I have a wonderful and understanding boss. And the worst advice my therapist gave me was not to tell her what was going on. I have, and it is better. I still expect that I might wind up on probation for my paperwork, but I guess I'll handle that when it happens. I think I am improving, and as my depression improves, it will improve even more.

So many questions. Should I keep taking 10mg of zyprexa or go down to 7.5mg? How long should I give the zyprexa before thinking about lithium? What blood pressure medicines can I take with lithium- as the ones I take interact? What about DHEA? I guess I just need to talk to my psychiatrist every day! Not going to happen in my world, unfortunately.

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