I somehow made it through another week.
I am starting to feel better in the late afternoons- but the first part of the day really isn't that much better. Maybe I just need to give it some time. I tell my patients that all the time, but it is hard to accept.
And I have this anxiety that is so bound up in this depression- I am up to 1mg of klonopin a day, taken in various bits throughout the day. I am not happy about the klonopin- but even less happy about the increased Zyprexa. How long will I need it? I tried going down a tiny bit the other day, but the next day was awful. Maybe it was just withdrawal, but it is too soon for me to be able to handle withdrawal.
But I am not just fighting depression, I feel like I am also fighting the effects of the klonopin and (especially) Zyprexa.
There is an app for the iphone that lets you track your depression using the Goldberg Depression Scale. I started using it last week. One of the questions is about feeling lifeless, more dead than alive- and I know that my score on this one is a lot higher because of the meds. Also, there is a question about sleep- do you sleep too much or too little. I sleep too much right now, again because of the meds.
What worries me actually is that I am starting to adapt to the increased dose, and be less sedated, less sleepy. My brain is getting used to this- and now it is going to be hard to go back down on it.
I still haven't decided what to do about lithium. This morning I felt so awful, I was like, bring it on! I don't care about side effects, I just don't want to feel this way! I just want to be able to go to work and function!
But now it is evening. I don't have to be at work until Monday. I think, I can give this some time. I don't have to function for two days. The pressure is off.
Well, I do have to do a couple of things. I didn't cancel my personal training session at the gym for tomorrow morning. Somehow, I am going to get myself there. And I have mountains of laundry to do. Really. I have nothing to wear that is clean.