I'm down to 7.5mg of Zyprexa. I did not fall apart yesterday, I did not fall back into severe depression. In a few days, I'll try to get myself back to 5mg. And then? Do I try to get myself off of it, or at least lower than I had been? I don't know.
I think that the increased Zonegran is helping- a lot. But, it is too high for me. I can't even describe how it makes me feel. It supposedly raises serotonin and dopamine- what's not to like? But it makes me feel like not me. It doesn't make me feel sedated. It doesn't hit me over the head like an antipsychotic- but on a very subtle level, it makes the world feel more distant. Even my body feels wrong. I don't have the words to describe this. But, if I didn't mind feeling like not-me, if I didn't mind the distance from the world, it might almost be pleasurable. But it is not-me. And while I want drugs to take away the depression, I want the me who remains to be recognizable.
So last night I reduced my Zonegran dose too. I know, too many changes at once, too many variables. But this is not a lab. This is my life.
I still am depressed, but the trajectory is good. It's not like I was. I can get out of bed, I can make it to work, and I'm not running into the bathroom several times a day to cry. Perhaps just as important, I'm starting to think about a future which involves me in it, rather than thinking about how to kill myself.
Two weeks ago, I couldn't have imagined that I could feel better this quickly. Two weeks ago, I thought I would be depressed forever. Why do I always think that when I get depressed? That this time it is going to last forever. I will never feel better.
1 comment:
I don't know when your next P-doc visit is but you should set one up soon. You need to try something different or dosage change. I know the feeling of being just a little off from self. Being a shade, walking in your own footsteps, as you try to act normal and answer questions while fighting to get it out in your personality and intellect or just keep from blurtling out something unintended. Your right, it is hard to explain. I put up with this for a while, then I started taking anything that can numb/dumb/tire you down, at night, so drug was still in my system at therapeudic levels but I slept through the tiring side effects. The big ones that used to put me in a stupor-ish exisence was klonopin, adivan, seroquel. Nice to meet you, sorry about the long post, and I hope you feel better now. I have been fighting and switching meds since '95, it sucks, but life has to be worth living and have meaning, not just being a zombie.
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