I'm down to 7.5mg of Zyprexa. I did not fall apart yesterday, I did not fall back into severe depression. In a few days, I'll try to get myself back to 5mg. And then? Do I try to get myself off of it, or at least lower than I had been? I don't know.
I think that the increased Zonegran is helping- a lot. But, it is too high for me. I can't even describe how it makes me feel. It supposedly raises serotonin and dopamine- what's not to like? But it makes me feel like not me. It doesn't make me feel sedated. It doesn't hit me over the head like an antipsychotic- but on a very subtle level, it makes the world feel more distant. Even my body feels wrong. I don't have the words to describe this. But, if I didn't mind feeling like not-me, if I didn't mind the distance from the world, it might almost be pleasurable. But it is not-me. And while I want drugs to take away the depression, I want the me who remains to be recognizable.
So last night I reduced my Zonegran dose too. I know, too many changes at once, too many variables. But this is not a lab. This is my life.
I still am depressed, but the trajectory is good. It's not like I was. I can get out of bed, I can make it to work, and I'm not running into the bathroom several times a day to cry. Perhaps just as important, I'm starting to think about a future which involves me in it, rather than thinking about how to kill myself.
Two weeks ago, I couldn't have imagined that I could feel better this quickly. Two weeks ago, I thought I would be depressed forever. Why do I always think that when I get depressed? That this time it is going to last forever. I will never feel better.