Saturday, February 18, 2012

If not meds, then what?

I've been reading a lot of anti-medication stuff recently. I've really been questioning things a lot. Not that I hadn't before, but it had mostly been confined to the Zyprexa and perhaps the Effexor. Not the idea of meds, just the ones that I am on.

I have even been trying to wean myself off the last bit of my Zyprexa- but as usual it didn't work, and my have even worsened things. I had been going into a bad depression- and ran out of Zyprexa (too depressed to make it to the pharmacy, then they didn't have it for a couple of days). I decided this was a sign for me to get off of it entirely. Well, a few days off of Zyprexa I started to feel great (maybe mild hypomania?), only to crash soon after, to a place I haven't been in a long time, and can't get out of.

So now I am not only back on the 5mg of Zyprexa I've been on before, I'm even on 10mg. But you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and this didn't fix me- or at least not in a week. It just made me numb, and stopped some of the constant negative chatter going through my head. Which is helpful, I guess, but not enough. But even that is starting to wear off.

I saw this depression coming (before the Zyprexa business). I didn't know what to do about it. I hired a personal trainer- somehow I thought that would fix things if I got to the gym. I tried to keep going. I went to therapy. I tried to do what the first therapist I ever had told me to do, which is to "fake it 'till you make it." I tried to keep going and act like everything is fine.

Now I am in a place where I really don't know what to do, other than to take a pill. Sometimes I'm not even capable of doing that- twice in the past two weeks I have run out of meds. But that seems to be about all that I am capable of doing.

I'm not willing to sacrifice my job, my career, right now. Any energy- and there seems to be less each day- goes to that. And already I have called out. But we are so short staffed over the next few weeks, and I am so far behind on my paperwork anyway, that taking time off is just not an option.

Besides, if I didn't have to go to work, I'd probably just stay home in bed.

I think that the worst part of this depression is the fatigue. My muscles feel like they won't hold me up. It's hard to sit up straight, let alone stand, let alone walk. I try to make myself walk across the room as much as possible at work, just to get some activity- but it is so hard. It is hard to move. Thankfully my personal trainer was away this week. I don't think I could have done it.

If you are feeling anti-medication, but too depressed to do anything else to help yourself, you are, to quote Tom Leher, "like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis." And so there I am. It is time to look to meds again, at least for now.

Much as I hate the Zyprexa, I was hoping that it would do the trick. It has taken a little of the edge off of things, that is all. The next thing my psychiatrist wants to try- and which I agree is the logical next step- is low dose lithium. I really don't want to go there, but I don't see any other good options.

I was on lithium before. I had terrible side effects. I developed lithium toxicity at one point and was taken off of it- which lead to a terrible manic episode. I just don't have good memories of lithium. But maybe a low dose I could tolerate.


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