I continue to be better, and on a little bit less Zyprexa as well. Meanwhile, life goes on. Work. My apartment still a mess from weeks of not being okay. My grandmother in the hospital.
The problem with coming out of a depression is that I have let my life become such a mess, that is almost too hard to climb out of, sometimes. How to get caught up with everything I have let go- and not let that struggle pull me back in as I judge myself for letting things come to this.
The scary thing is, I know there is nothing I know of that will prevent me from going to those bad places again. Once I thought the meds would stop it- but they didn't. They just seem to help me come out of it quicker than simply waiting it out (which has been tried, believe me). But I know my world will go dark again, and whatever life I build will start to fall apart again. And the dreams I have will again seem like nothing but heavy stones, weighing me down.
So all I can do is to try to make the most of this time, and hope that the more I can build up my life, the less it will fall totally apart during my next dark time.
Of course, someday I may have had my last depression. Either I will die depressed, or someday I will have had my last depression. It would be nice to know which, but I guess you don't get to know that in advance.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
A double edged sword
Zyprexa can be good and zyprexa can be bad.
When I am irritable, anxious, obsessive, or have one of my "thinking depressions," nothing is better at shutting my head up and getting me out of that place. At that point I am usually pretty paralyzed by what is going on in my head, and not capable of doing very much, and anything that can get me out of that place makes it easier to act, easier to function.
But Zyprexa by its nature can by paralyzing. It can make me want to do nothing. It can take my drive away and make me less functional. Sometimes, especially at the lower doses, this is a very subtle effect, and much more obvious at the higher doses.
So it is a balancing act. Taking too much Zyprexa really defeats the purpose of taking it, which is to let me live my life. But I''m willing to take a little bit, if that also helps me to live my life. But does it? I don't know, only that trying to get off of it has been too disruptive to my life. Maybe when I retire I can get off of it! Otherwise, 5mg (possibly 3.75) seems as low as I can go without getting intractable insomnia. And that leads to mood symptoms, and it gets bad.
When I am irritable, anxious, obsessive, or have one of my "thinking depressions," nothing is better at shutting my head up and getting me out of that place. At that point I am usually pretty paralyzed by what is going on in my head, and not capable of doing very much, and anything that can get me out of that place makes it easier to act, easier to function.
But Zyprexa by its nature can by paralyzing. It can make me want to do nothing. It can take my drive away and make me less functional. Sometimes, especially at the lower doses, this is a very subtle effect, and much more obvious at the higher doses.
So it is a balancing act. Taking too much Zyprexa really defeats the purpose of taking it, which is to let me live my life. But I''m willing to take a little bit, if that also helps me to live my life. But does it? I don't know, only that trying to get off of it has been too disruptive to my life. Maybe when I retire I can get off of it! Otherwise, 5mg (possibly 3.75) seems as low as I can go without getting intractable insomnia. And that leads to mood symptoms, and it gets bad.
I just bought a Kindle
I had promised myself that after I took this really hard certification exam I would buy a kindle. Because now I would have time to read. And I didn't initially, because I was going back and forth between buying a kindle and a tablet. And then my mood went south, and buying anything became impossible, I couldn't even go into a grocery store for 4 weeks. Thank god for Wendy's drive through and their salads, it is the only way I ate any vegetables during this time.
But now I am better. At least better enough to buy my kindle. And to go to yoga last Friday, to the movies yesterday (and even to the grocery store on the way home). I'd say I am better.
Ultimately, it came down to the fact that I don't have wireless at home, I have cable for my internet home but with only 1 person I didn't spring for the wireless router. So the kindle 3G will work pretty well for me. Although it does seem like a pretty small screen size. But also, between my iphone and my lap top, I really didn't think I needed a tablet- especially because I would have to pay for a data plan.
I've signed up for yoga again on Monday. Wow.
I'm still on the higher Zyprexa. I am scared to go down again. I am feeling so much better on it. And yet, I really do not like this drug. I will, eventually get myself back down to 5mg, if not lower, but not now. I just need a little time to feel okay, and not be thinking about med adjustments. So at least for another week, I am staying at 7.5mg. Perhaps I should finish getting off of the Zonegran first. And perhaps I should wait until fall to go down on the Zyprexa- when my depressions are usually true depressions and less likely to be mixed states.
Imagine if statins caused tardive dyskinesia. They would have been pulled off the market by now. But never mind, we are just mentally ill. It's funny, there is all of this concern about getting elderly people with dementia off of antipsychotics. But you know if they are bad for this population, they are really bad for everyone. But where is the outrage with antipsychotics used for non-psychotic diagnoses other than elderly dementia?
If I had known then what I know now I would never have gone on Zyprexa. Or maybe not- I was so depressed at the time, I might not have cared. But I think it is too late for me to get off of it entirely now. But hopefully I can lower my dose.
But now I am better. At least better enough to buy my kindle. And to go to yoga last Friday, to the movies yesterday (and even to the grocery store on the way home). I'd say I am better.
Ultimately, it came down to the fact that I don't have wireless at home, I have cable for my internet home but with only 1 person I didn't spring for the wireless router. So the kindle 3G will work pretty well for me. Although it does seem like a pretty small screen size. But also, between my iphone and my lap top, I really didn't think I needed a tablet- especially because I would have to pay for a data plan.
I've signed up for yoga again on Monday. Wow.
I'm still on the higher Zyprexa. I am scared to go down again. I am feeling so much better on it. And yet, I really do not like this drug. I will, eventually get myself back down to 5mg, if not lower, but not now. I just need a little time to feel okay, and not be thinking about med adjustments. So at least for another week, I am staying at 7.5mg. Perhaps I should finish getting off of the Zonegran first. And perhaps I should wait until fall to go down on the Zyprexa- when my depressions are usually true depressions and less likely to be mixed states.
Imagine if statins caused tardive dyskinesia. They would have been pulled off the market by now. But never mind, we are just mentally ill. It's funny, there is all of this concern about getting elderly people with dementia off of antipsychotics. But you know if they are bad for this population, they are really bad for everyone. But where is the outrage with antipsychotics used for non-psychotic diagnoses other than elderly dementia?
If I had known then what I know now I would never have gone on Zyprexa. Or maybe not- I was so depressed at the time, I might not have cared. But I think it is too late for me to get off of it entirely now. But hopefully I can lower my dose.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Too much lithium, I think
I tried going up on the lithium this weekend. Yesterday it was hard to judge- I didn't try to do anything (except go for a massage, heavenly). But today I tried to go in to do paperwork, and I could not. I felt so frozen and paralyzed, and my hands felt so tight it was hard to write. It was literally hard to write. I wasn't having tremors, but it felt like my body wanted to be shaking- and trying to write only made that feeling worse- and it was a horrible feeling.
So tonight I go back down to 900mg. It will have to do. I liked lithium at 900mg (I never thought I would say I liked lithium...). I don't like it at 1200mg. And I didn't like it in the past, when I was on a very high dose.
So hopefully this means I can stop thinking about meds so much for a while. The question is answered about my lithium dose. 900mg for lithium. And then I will give it a few more days on the higher Zyprexa, then try to come back down to 5mg.
Meanwhile, I have to figure out how much to give myself some slack vs how hard to push myself. I think I am feeling better enough that I can start to push myself a little- I actually did laundry this morning.
But I cried at work, when I couldn't do my notes. It is hard enough to fight my moods. When I am fighting the meds, too, it can be impossible to act. I was so frustrated, that made me depressed.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better with less lithium in me.
And hopefully tomorrow I can be present and in the moment and not going back and forth in my head about meds, etc. Which is what I have been doing too much of recently, and I hate it- although, to a certain extent it is appropriate when you are making med changes.
So tonight I go back down to 900mg. It will have to do. I liked lithium at 900mg (I never thought I would say I liked lithium...). I don't like it at 1200mg. And I didn't like it in the past, when I was on a very high dose.
So hopefully this means I can stop thinking about meds so much for a while. The question is answered about my lithium dose. 900mg for lithium. And then I will give it a few more days on the higher Zyprexa, then try to come back down to 5mg.
Meanwhile, I have to figure out how much to give myself some slack vs how hard to push myself. I think I am feeling better enough that I can start to push myself a little- I actually did laundry this morning.
But I cried at work, when I couldn't do my notes. It is hard enough to fight my moods. When I am fighting the meds, too, it can be impossible to act. I was so frustrated, that made me depressed.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better with less lithium in me.
And hopefully tomorrow I can be present and in the moment and not going back and forth in my head about meds, etc. Which is what I have been doing too much of recently, and I hate it- although, to a certain extent it is appropriate when you are making med changes.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Doing what I don't want to do, again
I was not doing well, I even broke down and called my psychiatrist a week and a half before I was supposed to see him. He upped my lithium, which seemed to help a little. But not enough. So when I went to see him next, he upped my lithium even more, as well as increasing my Zyprexa to 7.5 from 5, although I had really been doing that off and on just to get through the day.
I do not want to be on more Zyprexa- or lithium, for that matter. But I don't want to be like this. It has really gotten unbearable.
It is really damn hard to work and make med adjustments. One minute you can't work because your mood disorder is acting up, and the next minute you can't function because of side effects- and then you can't tell which is which at times.
I did back off the lithium after the first day because I felt too spacey the next day- but now on the weekend I am back up to 1200mg. And I am giving it one more night to see how it is. Tomorrow I have to go in and do paperwork, i'll see how it goes.
But between the lithium and the zyprexa, I do feel much better. I'm not all the way there- but I am better. I'm not going to stay on this high dose of Zyprexa, but I'll give it a week more I think. I'm hoping the lithium is okay. I feel like the Zyprexa really took care of the irritability that was so intolerable- but that the lithium has more of an impact on my depression.
Of course in my tradition of going on something and stopping something- as I raise the lithium I am trying to lower another of my meds, Zonegran. Because it also makes me a little space, and I'm not 100% sure I need it. It was the next drug to try to get off of. So now I am down from 300mg to 200mg.
I am going to reduce it ever so slowly, as it is an anticonvulsant and I do not want to have a seizure. I did once, supposedly from a medication interaction, but who really knows? It was during one of the few times in my adult life that I was not taking an anticonvulsant, only lithium.
I just want a life and to not think about my moods and my meds and all that. I just have to get through this. It is getting better.
Monday, June 24, 2013
The loneliness of depression
I am no longer feeling so "mixed" today, although I did have to take a sliver of klnopin and a sliver of zyprexa to take the edge off. But what is left is pure depression. Really bad depression, like I haven't had in some time. How did this happen so fast?
And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.
But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?
If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.
We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.
And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.
But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?
If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.
We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Summer Solstice
I have been "celebrating" the summer solstice in a drug-induced fog this weekend. I found myself going into a mixed state over the past couple of weeks, and by Friday I could stand it no longer. I got home from work and thought I would knock myself out with some Klonopin and Zyprexa- only it didn't knock me out. Normally it would have, but I was in a state where is didn't.
It started a couple of weeks ago- but I didn't really put it together. I was waking up early in the mornings around 4am (I was still falling asleep at night due to the ambien). And then I kept telling myself that I must be drinking too much coffee, or maybe a I had some really super strong coffee- because that is what if felt like. But cutting down on the caffeine didn't help. And them my mood started to go south- but I blame that on tryiing to reduce my Zyprexa.
There was a new article in the American Journal of Psychiatry showing how bad antipsychotics are for the brain- and not that I didn't know from previous research- I just know I had to give it another try to get off them. But by the 5th day the depression got so bad I went back up (I had only gone down by 1.25mg). Going back up helped a little with the depression, but not with the feeling that I was crawling out of my skin.
So by Friday night, it was time for action. Take the dreaded Zyprexa, even more of it, and klonopin. Eventually I got myself to sleep. Yesterday I drugged myself up again when the feelings started to return. Today hasn't been quite as bad, and I have eased up on the drugs. By tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal dosages, with maybe a tiny crumb of klonopin.
If only it could have been a happy hypomania. This mixed states suck.
And it sucks that I take Zyprexa. But I think for now I will stay on it. It is only 5mg, I tell myself. Except for times like this, when I take more to get me out of an episode. But whenever I try to get off of it, bad things happen.
It started a couple of weeks ago- but I didn't really put it together. I was waking up early in the mornings around 4am (I was still falling asleep at night due to the ambien). And then I kept telling myself that I must be drinking too much coffee, or maybe a I had some really super strong coffee- because that is what if felt like. But cutting down on the caffeine didn't help. And them my mood started to go south- but I blame that on tryiing to reduce my Zyprexa.
There was a new article in the American Journal of Psychiatry showing how bad antipsychotics are for the brain- and not that I didn't know from previous research- I just know I had to give it another try to get off them. But by the 5th day the depression got so bad I went back up (I had only gone down by 1.25mg). Going back up helped a little with the depression, but not with the feeling that I was crawling out of my skin.
So by Friday night, it was time for action. Take the dreaded Zyprexa, even more of it, and klonopin. Eventually I got myself to sleep. Yesterday I drugged myself up again when the feelings started to return. Today hasn't been quite as bad, and I have eased up on the drugs. By tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal dosages, with maybe a tiny crumb of klonopin.
If only it could have been a happy hypomania. This mixed states suck.
And it sucks that I take Zyprexa. But I think for now I will stay on it. It is only 5mg, I tell myself. Except for times like this, when I take more to get me out of an episode. But whenever I try to get off of it, bad things happen.
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