Too much lithium, I think

I tried going up on the lithium this weekend. Yesterday it was hard to judge- I didn't try to do anything (except go for a massage, heavenly). But today I tried to go in to do paperwork, and I could not. I felt so frozen and paralyzed, and my hands felt so tight it was hard to write. It was literally hard to write. I wasn't having tremors, but it felt like my body wanted to be shaking- and trying to write only made that feeling worse- and it was a horrible feeling.

So tonight I go back down to 900mg. It will have to do. I liked lithium at 900mg (I never thought I would say I liked lithium...). I don't like it at 1200mg. And I didn't like it in the past, when I was on a very high dose.

So hopefully this means I can stop thinking about meds so much for a while. The question is answered about my lithium dose. 900mg for lithium. And then I will give it a few more days on the higher Zyprexa, then try to come back down to 5mg.

Meanwhile, I have to figure out how much to give myself some slack vs how hard to push myself. I think I am feeling better enough that I can start to push myself a little- I actually did laundry this morning.

But I cried at work, when I couldn't do my notes. It is hard enough to fight my moods. When I am fighting the meds, too, it can be impossible to act. I was so frustrated, that made me depressed.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better with less lithium in me.

And hopefully tomorrow I can be present and in the moment and not going back and forth in my head about meds, etc. Which is what I have been doing too much of recently, and I hate it- although, to a certain extent it is appropriate when you are making med changes.