Still liking yoga, still not sure what to do about Zyprexa

I've been going to yoga 2x/week. I am starting to look forward to it! Who would have thought! I usually have to drag myself to just about everything I do- even if I wind up liking it. I am used to that little layer of depression making me not want to do just about anything. I go because I think I should, or the hope that maybe I will enjoy it, but not really expecting it. But I am so used to the battle, and I am having fewer of those battles with myself these days. And next week I am signed up for a Barre Amped class. I want to try that out.

I still didn't get myself into work this weekend. Well, what did I expect, a miracle? I had planned on going late afternoon- but that was when the depressed/anxious feeling started kicking in. It is happening every time I try to drop my Zyprexa dose, I start feeling really bad by mid-late afternoon. And klonopin strangely doesn't fix it. And so, even though I feel more out of it on the higher Zyprexa does, I am actually more productive on it. I had tried cutting down by a quarter of a pill last night again, but I'm not feeling good again. Just like last week.

And so I have been going back and forth over the past few days. I don't know which to try to wait out: the spacey feeling from the higher dose or the bad feelings late in the day at the lower dose. Obviously I'd rather be at the lower dose, but it is getting to the point that I almost don't care which. I just want a dose to be working and feel good on it.

It is really hard to make medication changes when you are working. Really hard. Withdrawal effects that I might otherwise be willing to put up with, even if while in bed under the covers, until they went away- now they make me panic. I don't know how long they will last. How will they affect my ability to get to work on Monday, to treat my clients, do my paperwork.

And I have been on disability, and I was always going on and off huge doses of meds- often in hospital- and had all of these side effects- but I didn't have to function. And I one time I got off of meds (including Zyprexa), I literally put myself into a coma to do so (not the intended purpose, that was to die).  I overdosed on my mood stabilizers, it took me 3 days to come out of the coma, and I spend another week in a regualr medical bed, getting only ativan. I was surprisingly ok. I felt very alive, very sad, but that seemed quite appropriate to me. But I couldn't sleep. Without the zyprexa, even the ativan they were gving me that week before they transferred me to the psych hospital, I didn't sleep,

Unfortunately, I was not a voluntary patient (they didn't even give me that option). And they wanted to put me back on Zyprexa. I asked if this drug could be dropped from my regimen. The doctor said that to do that, I would have to stay longer. Now, I knew I wasn't so crazy that I could be kept there forever-  but I wanted to be out before graduate school started up in a few weeks, I had a time table.   But I did talk then down to a lower dose (partially by lying). They also had wanted to put me on the exact same meds that I had been on- that I had been so depressed and agitated on that I wanted to kill myelf on! So I had to convince them that my doctor was about to change my meds (I had figured out by then that he was unlikely to ever call), and get myself at least on some new things and not on the same drugs. Except for the Zyprexa.

I did get out in time to go back to school. And my voice, which had been damaged during the intubation process, came back just a couple of days before classes, I was so scared it was damaged for life. And even the bruises on my wrists and ankles from the restraints in the ICU started to recede just about right then. I was very lucky. And I finished my degree, double lucky.

But that was the coma method for getting off of Zyprexa. There has to be an easier way.

First bad day in a while- or- Don't Panic!

Don't Panic! The words on the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

It is my first bad day in a bit. I am really tired, have no energy, I'm anxious and depressed.

It is just one day, so I am trying not to panic.

I know some of this is lack of sleep- didn't get enough last night. Some of this is work stuff. And I continue to feel like I need a bit more Zyprexa towards the end of the day. 7.5mg is too much, but 5mg I'm not sure is quite enough. Maybe I can alternate doses?

But it wasn't such a bad day- I found out I don't need a root canal. That's always a good thing.

And I finished reading "Shift" on my Kindle. I can't wait for the next book- due out later this month.

The interesting thing is that I do not remember that I already pre-ordered it- I just tried to pre-order it again. I really need to stay away from computers- and now apparently my kindle as well- after I take my ambien. This isn't the first time I have ordered something late at night before falling asleep, after taking my ambien, and having no memory for it. It hasn't happened a lot, and I haven't ordered anything too extravagant, but still- it is another reason to want to get off of the ambien.

My first hand experience of relativity

I pulled into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot to get an iced coffee after my morning's yoga class. I turned off the engine. And suddenly, the car started to roll forward! I jammed on the brakes, thinking I must be in neutral, and nothing happened, the car kept going. And then I realized, after a moment's panic, I was not moving at all. The car next to me, that I had been looking at just a moment ago, was backing up. I was standing still.

It was a very new age Saturday. I had a yoga class in the morning, and went to a drumming circle in the evening. In between, though, I didn't do very much except nap and do laundry.

I am amazed when I am able to do anything without a major battle with myself. I am so unused to that. It really makes me realize how depressed I have been for so long, even when I thought I wasn't particularly depressed. I feel like I am slowly thawing out. I feel like it is going to take a long time, but it is coming. Parts of me are still frozen, still locked up, but I am slowly thawing out.

Good yoga class today

My yoga class kicked my butt today. It was good, even though I didn't want to to go. The best thing about it was I think I am getting better. It is my 4th class, and I am already feeling more flexible and maybe a little stronger. But not a lot stronger, because I am really feeling my quads tonight! It is good to feel something getting better about my body.

That is the thing about exercise. You don't always want to do it. You just do it. When I am depressed, this feels pretty impossible, to make myself go. When I am not depressed, it becomes in the realm of the possible. Even if I don't want to go. I am glad I did.

I am worried, because I am going to have to miss the next two classes do to social plans and then a dentist appointment. That is too long to miss. Will I start to lose my flexibility? Will I get out of the groove and stop going? I just might have to take a more advanced class over the weekend, because that is all that is offered when I can go. I am in no way ready for more advanced, but I might do it anyway.

I know yoga is not enough, I will have to start adding more things. But for now, it is enough. It is my starting point. I have done so little for so long, other than the occasional walk or hike.

I am also loving my new Kindle. Yes, the screen size is a little small. But I am okay with it- it seems so large compared to my iphone, and I read the New York Times on that. I am in the midst of reading a sci fi book that I can't put down, "Shift," but I have already downloaded 6 other books! Amazon is making money on me already with my kindle.

Withdrawal effect

Last night was my second night on the lower Zyprexa. I had a hard time falling asleep due because of restless legs. I have never experienced this except when lowering antipsychotic dosages. It is really unpleasant! Fortunately, last night is was not that severe compared to a couple of times in the past. I hope it doesn't repeat tonight.

All drugs have side effect listing that you can look up, and see how common they are (or at least have been reported). There should also be a listing for these drugs for withdrawal effects! But I suppose there is no economic incentive for that- the drug companies want you to stay on these drugs forever, why would they collect data on the problems that people have going off? Not unless the FDA mandates it, they won't.

And I don't trust psychiatrists to report adverse withdrawal effects, any more than adverse effects. I have had more psychiatrist deny that I was experiencing a certain side effect, or that it was due to the medication I was taking, only for years later it to become a known side effect of the drug.

Weekends aren't long enough

I was supposed to go to my dad's today, but felt so tired I put it off until tomorrow. I did two loads of laundry today, otherwise not much else. I feel like I need today to recuperate from the week. And then it is Sunday, when I have a hundred things to do, and then it is back to work.

It is not that I don't like working- I'd just like to do less of it! That would be ideal.

I think I will have to go out to the grocery store tonight, because I have nothing left to eat. Otherwise I am being very lazy. And I am a little sore from Friday evening's yoga. My body is still not used to it. I am trying to go twice a week- I don't think there is a third beginner class that fits with my work schedule, so it will have to be twice a week.

Tomorrow at my dad's I can do some swimming, as his development has a pool. But before I go there I have to go into work to do some paperwork.

And my success- as of last night, I am back down to 5mg of Zyprexa. I did have to take klonopin to sleep, but otherwise I feel fine. I haven't decided if I am going to try to go down further. I'm sure I will- I always do, I can't help myself- but I'm not sure when.

Thursday I get a lithium level done, and I am very curious as to what it will be. My last one was .4, but that was before the increase. I don't know if levels increase linearly with dosage or not. Part of me hopes it is at least .6 this time- then I would have more confidence about trying to lower the zyprexa. Because I wouldn't need it so much as a mood stabilizer.

A little thing which is a big thing

I just made plans for something for next week.

For so much of my life, I have been afraid to do this, because my history of sticking to future plans is pretty bad. I will make plans when I feel good- or because I feel like I "should" be doing something- but I cannot predict my mood a week from now and it is frequently bad. So I have become gun shy about making long range plans. I even have booked vacations I never went on because I was just too depressed when the time came.

But I scheduled an appointment for a week from now, and I did not feel any hesitation, any worry. I just did it. I guess I am starting to trust this.

The view of the world when depressed, and not depressed, is just so different. I can think about the future now, at least a little. I can make plans without that fear.

I know I have to take is slow, not expect everything of my myself all at once. Otherwise I'll start judging myself, which really gets me to a bad place.