Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeling good this morning

I chanced going back up on the Effexor last night again, afraid I'd get all agitated again. Instead, I woke up early, feeling so clearly not-depressed for the first time in a long time.

I know that a lot of people will say that an antidepressant can't work that quickly. But we have no idea how antidepressants work. And maybe at this dose it is activating enough that is simply working in that capacity.

I feel good this morning. Even though I know work is going to be rough. By the time I got there last evening, the building was locked. So I couldn't get paperwork done. So I will have to face up to that.

What have I learned? I'm not going to touch my meds for a very long time. Actually, the only thing I am taking that I haven't tried to get off of recently is my Wellbutrin, but I'm not going to try it. For now... Part of me says to go off of it now to "save" it for when I get depressed again, as I am sure that I eventually will. But I will discuss that with my psychiatrist.

I want to believe. I want to believe that I don't need meds. And maybe there was another path, in which I didn't have to go on meds. But I passed that fork in the road a long time ago, and there is no turning back.

I want to believe that the meds made me bipolar (I started out just depressed)- and they probably did- but now I am, so deal with it. And yes, I got very crazy on some of my meds. But the doctors who put me on them were really trying to help me. They just didn't know any better, or were going through their own personal crises.

This has been my year to question meds- something I really never did before. I questioned particular meds, but not the idea of meds. I clung to them too desperately, even when they seemed to be making me worse, as I didn't know how else to make myself better- as the worse I felt, the less I felt capable of doing anything else to help myself beyond taking a pill.

I did succeed in going down on my ambien, which has made a huge difference in morning sedation. So that is a good thing. Other than that, my meds are where they were at the start of this year of questioning. I'm not sure if I still need the Wellbutrin- which did pull me out of a depression recently- but I'm not going off of it for now.

For the first time in months, I am at peace with my meds.

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