Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A miserable day

The past couple of days my mood has been all over the place, much more variable than normal over the course of a day, but often bad. I do not attribute this to bipolarity or cycling or anything- I attribute this to less medication. The megadoses of Effexor and the increased Zyprexa are not there anymore to prop up my mood, as I have gone down on them recently. And while this did not immediately plunge me into depression, it has left me increasingly more vulnerable to my dark thoughts and the general bad things in my life. I think if things were going better in my life, I might be okay. But they are not, or at least not enough- so I am getting pulled deeper and deeper down.

Or, maybe I just need more drugs. I broke down and took a quarter milligram of klonopin this evening, and I feel so much better than I have in days.

The easy think is to say, fix your life. Or at least, fix your thoughts about your life. But it is easier said than done- I had decided to stop at the park and go walking after work. But by the end of the day at work I was so depressed, and my depression was so physical, it was all I could do to walk to my car- I felt like I would collapse. Yes, I wimped out, I gave in. I didn't do it.

I don't know what it is that causes that feeling of weakness, like my legs won't even support me. Sometimes I have gone to Walmart to walk when I feel like this, because I can lean on the shopping cart, and I don't have to worry that I will fall down. But then, being in Walmart when depressed is pretty hard too.

I was so frustrated today because I couldn't concentrate, and I wanted to. I wanted to function, wanted to be present, wanted to feel alive and well. I just couldn't be. I didn't know how to make it happen. And so it was a miserable day at work, and I'm a little more behind. And it was noticed that I was quiet. But, I did make it through the whole day.

Sometimes I feel like that is what life is, just making it through the day. And if I make it through enough of them, it will finally be done. I have moments when I can't wait for it to be done.

I'm having a pity party for myself today. I thought that life would get easier someday. I didn't realize that 8 years after getting off of disability, life would still be such a struggle.

I can hear my step mother's voice in my head- just raise your damn effexor already! And I would, if not for my blood pressure, and 450mg of Effexor was not doing good things to my blood pressure. So depression or a stroke, take your pick!

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