Saturday, April 14, 2012

I've been here before...

Depression. I just feel like my life is going in circles. The same issues keep coming up, things aren't getting better. My life is at a stand still. And, as always, I don't know what is meds and what is not.

I'm trying to find a local psychiatrist, as mine is very far away since I have moved, but that too is difficult when depressed.

I did try increasing my Effexor. What made me think I could do that on a weekday? The agitation was unbearable. Now I don't know what to do. I want there to be something to do other than meds. I don't know what that thing is. Well, I'm sure it would have been a good thing if I had made it to yoga this morning.

I don't want more meds. I don't want the lithium that my current doctor is advocating.I had too many side effects on it when I was on it before. I don't want to increase my Wellbutrin, the other "sensible" thing to do- because the last time I tried that I crashed my car (in my parking lot, nobody hurt). Going up on the Effexor made me agitated, and I don't want to do that again.

I don't want to be more drugged, more impaired. I go on new drugs, and I am never taken off of things- I only come off of things if I do it myself. No one ever suggests it to me.

Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. If not drugs, then what? I haven't figured out that one yet. Maybe if I could take a few weeks off to backpack...

If I had money. I don't think they will let you take a medical leave to go backpacking. It is much more socially acceptable to spend a medical leave in a psych hospital, although probably not as effective.

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