My mood is just awful today- it wasn't that great at the course and I tried telling myself I was just lonely. And the week before I struggled.
It could be as simple as the fact that I have been off my birth control pill for over a week and a half- I forgot to pick it up the day I left for my course, so so I have been off of it a while. That pretty reliably makes me feel crazy. But I also have to admit- although I don't want to- that ever since I went down on the Effexor I have been having trouble concentrating. Maybe my brain just needs that norepinephrine stimulation of ultra-high-dose Effexor. Especially after all of those years on it.
Today I made myself leave work in time to get to the hospital pharmacy before it closed- which was a sacrifice because I was doing notes. I hate the way I have to use the hospital pharmacy with my insurance to get the lowest deductible and copay. It has lousy hours and I don't work in the hospital itself- which makes it really hard to get my meds. I never had this problems with running out of meds at other jobs when I could fill my prescription at any drugstore that was open weekends and evenings. It is only at this current job that I am having this problem.
But I did get my BC pill today, and have already taken one. Plus an extra Effexor. Plus a crumb of a Zyprexa. Because I really have the "I'm going crazy" feeling.
There was a time- when I was on disability and didn't have to go to work the next day- that I would feel like this and knock myself out with meds. There are times I took so much I am surprised I woke up. I didn't care if I did or not at the time. Whenever I hear about a celebrity overdose, I always wonder why they died and I lived. But I think it is because I don't drink. A lot of drugs, like benzo's really aren't that dangerous except in combination with something like alcohol. So I always woke up.
I don't want to feel what I am feeling right now. But I guess I will wait to a more reasonable time before I try to go to sleep- because otherwise I don't sleep or don't sleep through the night, etc. It is sad to say, I am looking forward to the oblivion of my nighttime meds. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.