I need to remember this- don't go down on my Effexor. It won't hit me immediately, like lowering an antipsychotic, but eventually it will. Yesterday was still pretty hard, but today was much better. I even stayed late to do notes.
I think I have tried twice before- and one of those times it was because the doctor wanted me to- and the same outcome. Although, I did successfully get down from 600mg to 450mg. And I could still be at 10mg of Zyprexa instead of 5mg if I didn't keep trying. And I got myself off most of my klonopin myself. It is hard to know what you really need, and what you can reduce or stop. Sometimes you can't know that answer until you try.
I think I am pretty okay with my meds now. I've tried to go lower on the Zonegran twice, but it didn't work. Same thing happened- it didn't happen all at once, but after a couple of weeks I started thinking my life was over and I should be dead and how did I get here.
The only things I'd like to reduce/get rid of are ambien and klonopin, but there is no rush. I think that my doctor will raise my synthoid at me next visit as my T4 was still low- I don't know if I should care becuase I take T3 as well and my TSH is good. But I do think I have more physical energy since I have gone on the synthroid. I think that is why I didn't notice so much that my mood was dipping- my energy was better. So if he wants to go a little higher, I guess I will.
Pretty soon I have to start the light box. Usually I start on Labor Day, although I had 2 doctors who said that I should start it sooner. But I haven't been eating my lunch in my car much- I have been spending my lunches inside trying to do notes, and that isn't good for me. It is like starting SAD early.
Civilization tells me to stay inside during daylight hours, spending many of those hours sitting at a desk, doing paperwork that I hate. How has civilization advanced? We are not doing what evolution designed us to do. No wonder there is so much mental illness. In a preliterate society, it wouldn't even have mattered that I am dyslexic. There would be no such thing. Maybe in a thousand years- when we all do voice and video and no one reads anymore- there will be no such thing again.
4 comments:
First, there is no such thing as bipolar. Hahahahahahahahahahaha laughing my head off. Then crying. Just because.
Question for you. I had a PTA treating me today. I discovered that I wasn't very comfortable with it and I don't think he was either. I explained with anatomical information included some popping I've been having that I don't like and he looked at me like I was from Mars and then later when he kept explaining things I finally told him that I knew the basics because I'm an OT and then he went from being a little weird to not talking to me. And I discovered that I am just not comfortable with him. I'm not sure why but I'm more comfortable with the LPT working on me. I can't not be a therapist and I can't not know what I know and I just can't be comfortable when he feels awkward. (Also, he thinks it is funny to tell me that we are next going to do all these things that I absolutely can't do yet. MAybe you make ONE joke. But he told me I would be doing: jumping jacks, lunges, wall slides, deep squats and who knows what else. I have not put a single lb of weight on my left leg in 11 weeks. I do not find this funny. I want to make progress toward walking, ASAP. Joking about all the things I can't do just reminds me of all the things I can't do and really I've made progress this week that should be a huge deal. So partly this is a personality conflict I think and partly it's the PTA thing. I just feel so weird asking to see the PT primarily. But in REALITY I requested an ortho certified PT, something they advertise and they said they'd schedule with one but acted confused about what I was talking about and I don't have an ortho certified PT so I already don't have what I requested. I'm fine with the LPT; he treated me before. But I'm not ok with the PTA unless he is radically different and I have no real complaints, just a sense of unease.
Would you be 100% ok with an assistant treating you or would you feel weird?
I feel so snobby and I don't mean that. Many PTAs are great. THis guy is great for some people I'm sure; I've seen him with teenagers and he was fabulous. I think he likes the upper hand with knowledge base though and so this feels weird to him which projects to me, partly through bad jokes.
Help!
Just Me
I would be OK with some PTA's treating me, and not others. It depends on the PTA, obviously, and how difficult my case is. Many PTA's could have been PT's, just didn't want to go through all of the schooling, and are wonderful- which is true of the two PTA's in my office right now. But I have also worked with some who were not. And many of the COTA's I have worked with have left a lot to be desired.
Does Bipolar exist? I think it is a label that we try to impose on the messiness of human behavior. We can't take our labels too seriously. To use the language of non-linear systems, mania and depression can be seen as attractor states of the mind. That doesn't mean everyone goes there, or that everyone will look the same- but I think that these labels can be useful if we take them with a grain of salt.
That is what I was trying inelegantly to say. I am not trying to put down the PTA at all and I'm afraid that is what it will sound like when I talk to the LPT. I also can't say "I make him nervous" because he'll deny that, yet he finsihed my stim/ice pack and said have a nice weekend, nearly leaving me sitting on a treatment table with my crutches 5 feet away and my boot out of reach on the floor but when I reminded him he tried to cover by acting like I was impatient. He'd told me goodbye. I don't care he forgot but it was just a nervous thing. I think he is pretty young and probably not very experienced. I've worked with PTAs and COTAs who knew more than most therapists I've encountered but I also know that the local programs for assistants aren't that strong. I did not have one person I supervised that came out of the local programs who was good and I had a number of assistants who came through there and I only knew one or two PTAs from that place that I thought were good. So there's that.
I don't know how I'll handle it. Hopefully I'll have my LPT Tuesday so I can talk to him about it. I may have to schedule things differently to catch him but if I do that's the way it is and I'll just do PT on little sleep and nap in the afternoons if I have to.
I know that when I had therapy in the spring the LPT asked if I was ok with seeing a PTA. I said yes and then fell and hurt my ankle and did not see the PTA after all. So I think he'll understand. And I'll see the PTA sometimes if I need to, I just don't want him to be the major treatment provider. This also comes from PT after my injury when I saw an AT for a few minutes and a tech for most everything else and nobody seemed to know what they were doing; it was cookie cutter therapy. This place doesn't do that so hopefully I can convince them to push harder. I also want someone really familiar with my surgeries which I don't think this PTA was. They aren't super common and they aren't done locally so it's not something they are treating every day. I don't think he understands that when I say I was in a cast all summer I really was. Today is 11 weeks from surgery and I've been out of the cast 10 days. He also stuck a stim pad to my still healing incision which will not happen again. It's pretty nearly closed but not 100% and I don't want the scar tissue pulled apart; it's healing nearly invisibly right now b/c of having steri-strips for 8 weeks after sutures that were in 2 weeks. Part of it isn't even visible already, at least not with a mirror.
I don't know. Guess I'll find out more next week.
PS THANKS!
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