There is a new life in this world- I have a new niece. She is healthy and fine. So is her mom. I can't wait to meet her. I don't know when that will be as currently the grandparents are visiting so they have the guest room. I'd love to see my how my "older" niece reacts to her new sister.
Otherwise- just having a lazy Saturday, doing laundry and reading and napping. I woke up with a really bad headache that kind of threw off my plans for the morning. I took some naproxen and went back to bed- and slept quite a bit. I was supposed to go and get blood work done- but I think I can still go Tuesday and it will be enough time before I see my psychiatrist the following week.
I've been thinking, with my appointment coming up, do I want to change anything? Going off of the klonopin has gone pretty well. Do I want to try to lower something I take? And then I can't even pick- there are reasons to want to lower just about everything I take. And then of course reasons not to want to change a thing, especially so soon after stopping the klonopin. And going into the spring- which makes it a really bad time to try going down on the Zyprexa.
What will I do if I get springtime hypomania? I've used klonopin in the past, along with increasing my Zyprexa for a couple days if needed. I'd like to think I'm not taking klonopin ever again, but I don't want to necessarily close doors to things that have helped me to function during trying times.
Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping- probably that's why the headache. I thought briefly about taking klonopin- and then vetoed the idea. I wondered at what point you are an addict vs. someone using a drug? And really, I have been unable to get myself off of Zyprexa after all of these years. Even though it has taken a toll on my health with severe weight gain. Maybe I do belong on a dual diagnosis unit. Of course the one time I was briefly off of Zyprexa (after an overdose) I was put back on it under duress in the hospital. I wonder how my life would have been different if that hadn't happened.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
FOOSH
A FOOSH is a fall on an outstretched hand to hand surgeons.
Today I stepped out of my apartment and fell. It wasn't really a classical FOOSH- I really hit my knee first. I don't know how I managed it, but I went down on my knee and then my leg bent and slid under me, kind of like a yoga pose, and then my upper body fell forward and I fell forward onto my hands. Thankfully, just a sore knee, no serious injuries.
But the adventure did not stop there. The world outside my door was covered in ice. My car was covered in ice. So was the driveway. Somehow I made it across the parking lot, chipped the ice off of my windshield, and started down the long driveway- only to find that I couldn't brake as I was entering the road- and there were cars coming. I had to veer off into a snow bank to stop. Fortunately I was able to back up from the snow bank, inch out onto the driveway, and turn onto the road- which was ice-free.
We had a lot of cancelled patients this morning because of the ice. I don't blame them.
Today I stepped out of my apartment and fell. It wasn't really a classical FOOSH- I really hit my knee first. I don't know how I managed it, but I went down on my knee and then my leg bent and slid under me, kind of like a yoga pose, and then my upper body fell forward and I fell forward onto my hands. Thankfully, just a sore knee, no serious injuries.
But the adventure did not stop there. The world outside my door was covered in ice. My car was covered in ice. So was the driveway. Somehow I made it across the parking lot, chipped the ice off of my windshield, and started down the long driveway- only to find that I couldn't brake as I was entering the road- and there were cars coming. I had to veer off into a snow bank to stop. Fortunately I was able to back up from the snow bank, inch out onto the driveway, and turn onto the road- which was ice-free.
We had a lot of cancelled patients this morning because of the ice. I don't blame them.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I was a little more productive today- for a Saturday
I had my monthly massage today. It was heaven- except when it wasn't, when she was getting in where I was really tight- but it then the next minute it was heaven again. If I was rich they would be weekly...
Normally I go home and nap. Today I went to work and finished up notes from last week. I went to the grocery store. I came home and did a load of laundry. And then I got into bed for a bit- but no napping. I am tired, but not sleepy.
I have to do my medicines for the week. Every week I do this, and every week it makes me think- do I want to change some supplement, change some medication dosage? I think I will try to stay the same this week. Too soon to do anything else. I don't want to jeopardize getting off of the klonopin. That is the most important thing. Plus, I don't know where my pill splitter is right now... so I can't do much anyway!
I haven't heard back from the dentist regarding the surgery- which probably means that their office is fighting with my insurance company to get it approved and any of it covered (and it will be less than half anyway because I have a cap on benefits). Right now I don't mind them taking their time. I'm getting used to the idea, but in no hurry.
It will wipe out my savings plus health savings account and most of my tax refund. I had planned on moving in the spring- I was putting away money for that. I guess that will have to wait. But it is sort of okay- it is okay that I am using money for something important, and I feel good that I have it.
Normally I go home and nap. Today I went to work and finished up notes from last week. I went to the grocery store. I came home and did a load of laundry. And then I got into bed for a bit- but no napping. I am tired, but not sleepy.
I have to do my medicines for the week. Every week I do this, and every week it makes me think- do I want to change some supplement, change some medication dosage? I think I will try to stay the same this week. Too soon to do anything else. I don't want to jeopardize getting off of the klonopin. That is the most important thing. Plus, I don't know where my pill splitter is right now... so I can't do much anyway!
I haven't heard back from the dentist regarding the surgery- which probably means that their office is fighting with my insurance company to get it approved and any of it covered (and it will be less than half anyway because I have a cap on benefits). Right now I don't mind them taking their time. I'm getting used to the idea, but in no hurry.
It will wipe out my savings plus health savings account and most of my tax refund. I had planned on moving in the spring- I was putting away money for that. I guess that will have to wait. But it is sort of okay- it is okay that I am using money for something important, and I feel good that I have it.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Still adjusting to life without klonopin
I have been totally off of klonopin for the past few days. The amazing thing is that I am not sleepy during the day anymore. I was so sure I had sleep apnea- and perhaps I do and perhaps klonopin made it worse- it is a muscle relaxant. But I now wake up refreshed and don't struggle to stay awake all day- it is amazing. Although I am still taking Provigil.
At first I had terrible tension headaches- I could feel the muscles in my neck and scalp were so tight. Yesterday was awful. But today, so far so good. I hope it is over. I expected that I would be more anxious than I have been, but really I haven't been that anxious, or at least not too much more than normal. But today I am- and I think it is because I had too much caffeine. I bought the large, unsweetened iced tea (with lemon) that I often buy at lunch- but apparently this is too much caffeine for me off of klonopin.
So I found myself tempted to take klonopin because I was anxious from the caffeine and didn't know how to stop feeling like my heart is racing. And then I thought- it is not worth it. Being awake-that is what is worth it. And klonopin has too long a half-life to use prn (for me).
I hope I have this resolve come springtime, when I am always more anxious. For some reason I haven't been feeling really anxious recently- more alternating between depressed and stoic. I also wonder if my lithium level is higher because I cut down on my caffeine. I actually wonder if I am taking too much lithium, if I am a little bit numb. But now is not the time to change things- it has been less than a week off of the klonopin. I want to see what my next level is.
I told my step-mother I am off of klonopin. She used to be one of my biggest supports, but now she has turned a little anti-med. She asked me what the next meds is, what I will come off of next. And she used to be so pro-med.
I don't want her to have any opinions on what meds I should or shouldn't be on. I don't want her to be pro or anti med. Maybe there will be another med I eventually get off of, maybe there won't be. But what could she know about what meds I need? She is the one who told me to take more klonopin, that I was taking such a low dose, etc. She didn't understand how sedating it was- I would tell her, and all she would tell me is that I am on a low dose.
There is a part of me that wants to ask my doctor for Xanax to use prn. I've never taken it- but it has a much shorter half-life, so it might not have as much of an effect the next day. Then again, it might have rebound effects- you can't win. I know if I keep klonopin around as a prn I will use it very sparingly because of the long half-life. But I also know that I will probably someday take it again prn, hopefully not very much. But not today.
At first I had terrible tension headaches- I could feel the muscles in my neck and scalp were so tight. Yesterday was awful. But today, so far so good. I hope it is over. I expected that I would be more anxious than I have been, but really I haven't been that anxious, or at least not too much more than normal. But today I am- and I think it is because I had too much caffeine. I bought the large, unsweetened iced tea (with lemon) that I often buy at lunch- but apparently this is too much caffeine for me off of klonopin.
So I found myself tempted to take klonopin because I was anxious from the caffeine and didn't know how to stop feeling like my heart is racing. And then I thought- it is not worth it. Being awake-that is what is worth it. And klonopin has too long a half-life to use prn (for me).
I hope I have this resolve come springtime, when I am always more anxious. For some reason I haven't been feeling really anxious recently- more alternating between depressed and stoic. I also wonder if my lithium level is higher because I cut down on my caffeine. I actually wonder if I am taking too much lithium, if I am a little bit numb. But now is not the time to change things- it has been less than a week off of the klonopin. I want to see what my next level is.
I told my step-mother I am off of klonopin. She used to be one of my biggest supports, but now she has turned a little anti-med. She asked me what the next meds is, what I will come off of next. And she used to be so pro-med.
I don't want her to have any opinions on what meds I should or shouldn't be on. I don't want her to be pro or anti med. Maybe there will be another med I eventually get off of, maybe there won't be. But what could she know about what meds I need? She is the one who told me to take more klonopin, that I was taking such a low dose, etc. She didn't understand how sedating it was- I would tell her, and all she would tell me is that I am on a low dose.
There is a part of me that wants to ask my doctor for Xanax to use prn. I've never taken it- but it has a much shorter half-life, so it might not have as much of an effect the next day. Then again, it might have rebound effects- you can't win. I know if I keep klonopin around as a prn I will use it very sparingly because of the long half-life. But I also know that I will probably someday take it again prn, hopefully not very much. But not today.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
The worst thing you will ever have to do as a hand therapist
Yesterday I had to do the worst thing you will ever do as a hand therapist- which is to call the hand surgeon and tell him that his patient's tendon repair has ruptured. It wasn't the first time, and it probably won't be the last time, but it is awful. Thankfully, it didn't happen in therapy- or it would have been an even worse phone call. I'm not sure why it happened this time. In the past, it has alway involved patients doing something that they were clearly not supposed to be doing (like taking off their splint). This time it is a mystery- it seems to have happened during sleep.
Other than that, my mood is doing a little better. I am back on track with my light therapy. I am also off the last bit of my klonopin- I haven't taken any in 2 days, I was able to sleep with Ambien alone. And when I woke up this morning, I felt so awake! I couldn't believe it. I was sure I had sleep apnea, but just couldn't bear the thought of sleeping with a mask on. But today I haven't been sleepy at all.
I am still feeling somewhat grumpy- that's the best way to put it. But it is improved. I am trying to find gratitude in good moments- even if I am also having bad moments. And trying to feel grateful for having a job with a job salary (and dental insurance) during my bad paperwork moments.
My paperwork is getting better. The talking to I had from my boss really sunk in. But I think it also helped that I lowered the Zyprexa and got off of the klonopin. That is making it easier to focus. So it is a lot of things.
I will have a new niece very soon. My sister-in-law is due within a week. That is exciting.
Monday, February 2, 2015
I never realized I wanted to be rich
I just want to take medicine that my insurance won't cover. I want to see a therapist and psychiatrist that my insurance won't pay for. I want expensive dental surgery. And now I want to be rich for another reason- today I thought about quitting my job, without having another job to go to.
Maybe it was just a bad day. I was just feeling truly burned out- as I do on those days in which the focus is not on patient care. My boss kept telling me things I should be doing better, that our department should be doing better, we could be doing better... mostly having to do with documentation, answering the phones, etc. And every time she would say something, something in me shut down, and I didn't know why I was there.
My mood was really bad today- I couldn't emotionally defend myself against anything except by shutting down. Actually, what I really wanted to do was to cut- it has been so long since I have done so, but every now and then I have really bad urges, even now.
What I want to do now is to sleep, but it is too early- it never works if I go to bed too early. I have been sleeping so badly recently.
Maybe it was just a bad day. I was just feeling truly burned out- as I do on those days in which the focus is not on patient care. My boss kept telling me things I should be doing better, that our department should be doing better, we could be doing better... mostly having to do with documentation, answering the phones, etc. And every time she would say something, something in me shut down, and I didn't know why I was there.
My mood was really bad today- I couldn't emotionally defend myself against anything except by shutting down. Actually, what I really wanted to do was to cut- it has been so long since I have done so, but every now and then I have really bad urges, even now.
What I want to do now is to sleep, but it is too early- it never works if I go to bed too early. I have been sleeping so badly recently.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Venting
I was very tired and sleepy today- but every time I lay down to try to nap I would be wide awake. So I finally gave in and went into work to do a couple of hours of notes- but had to take some home. My brain stopped working! I have a deadline to get all of my charts up to date by tomorrow.
I am under pressure because of my paperwork. I am trying to come to grips with needed the major dental surgery- and feeling really bad about not taking better care of my teeth. Although- the fact that they are front teeth- I have a dry mouth anyway from my meds and I am a mouth breather when I sleep- that probably didn't help. And now my income tax filing has been rejected, possibly due to a Turbotax glitch.
I did my taxes yesterday because I got my W2 and health savings account forms. I use Turbotax. It was a little dramatic- they giving you a running estimate of your tax refund- and at one point they were saying my state refund was $3400 something, and I knew that this couldn't be true- maybe my W2 was wrong was all I could think and would they catch me if I submitted it... and then the next moment I owed $5500 something, and I really freaked out. How am I going to pay for that? I needed my refund for the dentist? But finally it settled down to $520, which is just about what it was last year. And my federal was $1900. Well, I know how I am spending it.
I e-filed my federal and state. But today I got messages that my returns had been rejected- with a specific error message that actually isn't very specific. It turns out that this is happening to a lot of Turbotax filings this year- something about the way they are formatting their W2's I think. They say that there is a fix- but I had already re-submitted my returns, which is what Turbotax had first told me to do. I think that I am going to get rejected again. And I needed that money ASAP.
I did learn something interesting from Turbotax while doing my state return. I always wondered why my state wages were so much higher than my federal wages. My state only lets you deduct contributions to a 401K, no other types of retirement accounts qualify. I work for a non-profit, so I have a 403B. So I don't qualify and that income is taxed by the state. Because I work for a non-profit I pay more taxes. How is that fair?
I should probably write to my state representative. Not that my state has the financial means to be increasing tax deductions for anyone, fair or unfair.
I am under pressure because of my paperwork. I am trying to come to grips with needed the major dental surgery- and feeling really bad about not taking better care of my teeth. Although- the fact that they are front teeth- I have a dry mouth anyway from my meds and I am a mouth breather when I sleep- that probably didn't help. And now my income tax filing has been rejected, possibly due to a Turbotax glitch.
I did my taxes yesterday because I got my W2 and health savings account forms. I use Turbotax. It was a little dramatic- they giving you a running estimate of your tax refund- and at one point they were saying my state refund was $3400 something, and I knew that this couldn't be true- maybe my W2 was wrong was all I could think and would they catch me if I submitted it... and then the next moment I owed $5500 something, and I really freaked out. How am I going to pay for that? I needed my refund for the dentist? But finally it settled down to $520, which is just about what it was last year. And my federal was $1900. Well, I know how I am spending it.
I e-filed my federal and state. But today I got messages that my returns had been rejected- with a specific error message that actually isn't very specific. It turns out that this is happening to a lot of Turbotax filings this year- something about the way they are formatting their W2's I think. They say that there is a fix- but I had already re-submitted my returns, which is what Turbotax had first told me to do. I think that I am going to get rejected again. And I needed that money ASAP.
I did learn something interesting from Turbotax while doing my state return. I always wondered why my state wages were so much higher than my federal wages. My state only lets you deduct contributions to a 401K, no other types of retirement accounts qualify. I work for a non-profit, so I have a 403B. So I don't qualify and that income is taxed by the state. Because I work for a non-profit I pay more taxes. How is that fair?
I should probably write to my state representative. Not that my state has the financial means to be increasing tax deductions for anyone, fair or unfair.
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