I have been totally off of klonopin for the past few days. The amazing thing is that I am not sleepy during the day anymore. I was so sure I had sleep apnea- and perhaps I do and perhaps klonopin made it worse- it is a muscle relaxant. But I now wake up refreshed and don't struggle to stay awake all day- it is amazing. Although I am still taking Provigil.
At first I had terrible tension headaches- I could feel the muscles in my neck and scalp were so tight. Yesterday was awful. But today, so far so good. I hope it is over. I expected that I would be more anxious than I have been, but really I haven't been that anxious, or at least not too much more than normal. But today I am- and I think it is because I had too much caffeine. I bought the large, unsweetened iced tea (with lemon) that I often buy at lunch- but apparently this is too much caffeine for me off of klonopin.
So I found myself tempted to take klonopin because I was anxious from the caffeine and didn't know how to stop feeling like my heart is racing. And then I thought- it is not worth it. Being awake-that is what is worth it. And klonopin has too long a half-life to use prn (for me).
I hope I have this resolve come springtime, when I am always more anxious. For some reason I haven't been feeling really anxious recently- more alternating between depressed and stoic. I also wonder if my lithium level is higher because I cut down on my caffeine. I actually wonder if I am taking too much lithium, if I am a little bit numb. But now is not the time to change things- it has been less than a week off of the klonopin. I want to see what my next level is.
I told my step-mother I am off of klonopin. She used to be one of my biggest supports, but now she has turned a little anti-med. She asked me what the next meds is, what I will come off of next. And she used to be so pro-med.
I don't want her to have any opinions on what meds I should or shouldn't be on. I don't want her to be pro or anti med. Maybe there will be another med I eventually get off of, maybe there won't be. But what could she know about what meds I need? She is the one who told me to take more klonopin, that I was taking such a low dose, etc. She didn't understand how sedating it was- I would tell her, and all she would tell me is that I am on a low dose.
There is a part of me that wants to ask my doctor for Xanax to use prn. I've never taken it- but it has a much shorter half-life, so it might not have as much of an effect the next day. Then again, it might have rebound effects- you can't win. I know if I keep klonopin around as a prn I will use it very sparingly because of the long half-life. But I also know that I will probably someday take it again prn, hopefully not very much. But not today.