I will be discharged from my day program soon and going back to work. My leave of absence is almost over.
I know that I am so much better than I was when I went to the hospital. I really am. And yet, there is a part of me that is disappointed in myself. There are things I wanted to accomplish during my leave of absence that I didn't. Studying, hiking, going in to the city, etc. It seemed like if I was only doing a program 3 days a week, I should have all this time- and yet, I didn't do a lot else. Some thing, yes. And probably a lot of things compared to how I had been living my life recently. But I certainly did not become superwoman.
And then there is the realization that, despite DBT, I will continue to have a good deal of angst in my life! And that the DBT strategies can feel pretty tiresome when I am having a really bad day. Like when I hardly slept for 2 days after dental surgery. By the second day I was having massive anxiety and mood swings over really nothing, and DBT wasn't working too well. Or maybe it did- I can't know how I would have felt if I didn't try, maybe it would have been a lot worse.
I don't know why I didn't sleep- I really wasn't in much pain, as long as I took Tylenol So I started to wonder if the tylenol was causing insomnia. The third night I didn't take it, and slept fine. And the next day, all was well with my mood.
I guess I am just wishing I had made better use of this time, and come further. But really, I came pretty far. I really did. I just have this fear that the only reason I am better is that I am not working- and that as soon as I go back to work it will all fall apart again. But only part of me thinks this. Another part of me is really ready to get back to "normal life," whatever that is.
I think I am ready to be done with the program. But not DBT, just the day program. DBT I will keep using.