I went out to say hello to a new neighbor who is moving in. That is not much for most people, but for me it is an effort. And then I signed up for the next Sci Fi book club- which is an hour's drive away, but it is on a Wednesday night and the next day is a late day for me at work, so I can do it. The book looks good, I wanted to read it anyway.
I caught up on my back episodes of "The Strain." At the end of the last episode- it really got weird! Although I have a theory. Why do I like shows like this? It really borders on what I can watch at times. I think I have gotten more timid when it comes to horror. I went through a phase when I loved horror movies.
This morning I did my meds and vitamins for the week. And I realized, I am set with my meds for a while- well, except maybe that last bit of klonopin... But otherwise, I have figured out what works for now. And even if in some very distant long term I might be better off of certain meds- I probably won't live long enough to benefit! I have to do what works for now.
I think my supplements are pretty set, too- except that sometimes I think I want to add more coQ10, or investigate DHEA. But taking DHEA means working with a doctor who will test your level- I doubt mine will- and it just gets too complicated. I don't want to find another doctor.
Eventually I will have to figure out what to do about menopause. I need to find out what my options are for hormone replacement- I have been hoping they would figure it out by the time I got there, but they need to pick up the pace! I think that, mood-wise, I will be much better off taking some kind of hormone replacement. And if anyone gives me a hard time about prescribing it because of risk factors, etc., then I will tell them that Zyprexa is a much riskier drug and I have been taking that for a long time.
1 comment:
Menopause decision-making for me has been easy--I have had such strong reactions to birth contol pills and even more the suicidal for the entire 9 months the Mirena was in mess that we knew I was doing this the hormone-free way. I know that's been different for you. The hope was that as my hormones were at lower levels that my moods would stabilize. Because of my hysterectomy I have no way of knowing precisely what is going on but my hot flashes and night sweats are spacing out further and further so it is likely that I'm nearing the end of this time. Statistically I should be done by about 5 years after the hysterectomy b/c my tubes were removed which reduces blood supply to the ovaries which typically finish within 5 years and I had already begun the process when I had the hysterectomy 2 years ago. So I have nearly made it. It's impossible to know what has been hormonal since I don't have signals from my body but that really was always true. It's why I tried the pill after I was diagnosed, so I'd know when to expect my mood to be worse, but instead it made me vomit every day at 10 AM and caused more mood swings. I still wish that I could have just had my ovaries removed to avoid the ovarian cysts I still get sometimes (last month or two or three back I had one; don't remember when now) but it wasn't safe so this way has been ok.
I think it's ok to accept that we're at a place where things are what they are for a while. Things are not perfect for me right now but I've been more stable this summer than I have been in a long time. The only thing is that I am tempted to want to try to go down on Seroquel just because I'm on so much and have had anti-cholinergic side effects that my doctor says mean that dosing can't go much higher. Which means that it will be rough when inevitably things change again. SAD usually hits for me about mid-October, a little sooner sometimes and hopefully this year I'll be in a place where the light can help. Last year I was too mixed to be able to try it until mid-winter and the year before that I don't think I ever was able to use it. This year I am facing some big losses that nothing really can prepare me for and knowing there is no more Seroquel (probably, I'm sure we'll try more if we have to) is scary. But it's good things are here. I used to spend so much time trying to get my imipramine dose in the right place because it was ranged and if it was in the wrong place combined with the wrong mood it sucked. So I was always changing from somewhere betwen 50-90 mg and knew 90 was not tolerable and made me manic but 80 wasn't enough when I was depressed and 50 could be too much when mixed; it was so hard. I'm glad to not have any med that I really can mess with now. It's just easier. I will be glad to get back to WBing so that I feel safe taking valium with sleepless, anxiety filled nights. Right now I could be taking it but am so afraid of falling if I have to get up (which I always do throughout the night) and use crutches. I've had lots of near falls with the crutches at night as it is because I'm so groggy. Not sure how many months until I can walk barefoot and that's how long it is before I'm safe with valium.
Glad you are feeling a litlte more peaceful.
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