Friday, January 10, 2014

An easy day- I'll take what I can get

It was an easy day at work- most of my morning patients cancelled due to snow, and my afternoon patients went smoothly. My mood held up, and my energy was high enough that I didn't feel like collapsing on to the floor before the day was done.

I think I may be be coming out of this depression- but I am going to crawl out of it. I really miss the days when I would come out with a little bit of a bump. Back before I ever suspected I could be bipolar- when my antidepressants kicked in, they really kicked in. It probably  wasn't quite clinical hypomania, but it was more than euthymia. I just assumed it was normal exuberance after being depressed for so long- and suddenly I was smiling and laughing and making plans for the future that I couldn't even imagine a week ago. It made it so much easier to pick up the pieces of my life and go on.

I miss those days, before I was this well mood stabilized. Because after looking into the abyss that is depression, I need that bump. I need a reason to look towards the future, and to forget about the hell, to get over what this last episode has cost me. Both what it has done to my life- and to my soul. I swear, there has to be a limit to the number of times I can go though this. It will just kill me one day, my soul will die.

But tomorrow I have a very good thing- I am getting a massage. It is one thing that I can enjoy no matter how depressed I am, because nothing is required of me. I just have to lie there. You can't beat that. Of course I have had massages that weren't so enjoyable because she was working really deep. But I don't need that tomorrow. I just need easy.

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