Thursday, January 16, 2014

Very moody but not like I have been

A part of me thought that when I made it to yoga again I must be "all better," whatever that means. Of course I am not. But I am better than I was last week, so I have to be grateful for that. I am trying to stay in the moment and use my DBT skills.

Yesterday I finally made it back to see my therapist. I hadn't been in a while between the holidays and my depression and the fact that I am now down to every other week. It was good to see her- although I think that I spent most of the session talking about my Provigil frustrations and how it is making me feel. I think I have enough to get me through most of March, and then I will be paying US prices for it- and I will probably have to stop therapy so I can pay for it.

Having health insurance doesn't always help a lot if you have a mental illness. All of my mental health providers are out of network, and my out of network deductible is $3600. There are hardly any psychiatrists around who take insurance, and I have had really bad luck finding in network therapists. And now with the Provigil, I am just really not happy with insurance companies. Plus, they are the source of most of my paperwork frustrations at work. I found myself wondering the other day if I am in the wrong field. Maybe I want to get into another line of work, something that has nothing to do with health insurance companies. I am tired of "the system."

I am not tired of my patients. I love my patients. But it was a discouraging day when I had to discharge two patients because I couldn't help them- I hate that, even when it is pretty predictable like with advanced hand arthritis. Well, I gave him one good compensatory tip, and grip strength did go up a tiny bit. I will have to console myself with that. I love discharging patients because they are better. I hate discharging patients because I can't help them.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I always hated 2 things more than discharging patients that I hadn't been able to help. 1) Discharging patients I should have been able to help if only they had cooperated. 2) Discharging patients who didn't understand they hadn't made progress or who didn't understand that was necessary.

I'm sorry insurance is so bad for you. I was always fortunate to be so close to Cleveland Clinic because they take essentailly all insurance. Otherwise I would have had trouble finding a psychiatrist. Dr. Brain was in private practice the first few years I saw her and I had really bad coverage then. Therapy I have never expected to have covered simply because although the place I go takes lots of insurers I've only had the right ones twice and only for short periods of time. But I've had bad experiences not going to Christian therapists and haven't wanted to change just because my insurance changed (over and over) so I just assumed I was self-pay although they always discounted my fee because I was a long-term, frequent patient. If Dr. Mind leaves I'm not sure what I will do; I have no idea what I will find if I look for someone who takes Medicare.

Glad you are going slow. That's always the hardest thing for me. That and getting totally hung up on small things (ie today it would be that my cat had an infection from a blood draw and I had to pay a lot of money when she also needs an expensive surgery and my sister made a judgmental comment about spending that kind of money) that I obsess over. When that stops I know I've improved.

Just Me