A part of me thought that when I made it to yoga again I must be "all better," whatever that means. Of course I am not. But I am better than I was last week, so I have to be grateful for that. I am trying to stay in the moment and use my DBT skills.
Yesterday I finally made it back to see my therapist. I hadn't been in a while between the holidays and my depression and the fact that I am now down to every other week. It was good to see her- although I think that I spent most of the session talking about my Provigil frustrations and how it is making me feel. I think I have enough to get me through most of March, and then I will be paying US prices for it- and I will probably have to stop therapy so I can pay for it.
Having health insurance doesn't always help a lot if you have a mental illness. All of my mental health providers are out of network, and my out of network deductible is $3600. There are hardly any psychiatrists around who take insurance, and I have had really bad luck finding in network therapists. And now with the Provigil, I am just really not happy with insurance companies. Plus, they are the source of most of my paperwork frustrations at work. I found myself wondering the other day if I am in the wrong field. Maybe I want to get into another line of work, something that has nothing to do with health insurance companies. I am tired of "the system."
I am not tired of my patients. I love my patients. But it was a discouraging day when I had to discharge two patients because I couldn't help them- I hate that, even when it is pretty predictable like with advanced hand arthritis. Well, I gave him one good compensatory tip, and grip strength did go up a tiny bit. I will have to console myself with that. I love discharging patients because they are better. I hate discharging patients because I can't help them.