I am feeling things today that I haven't felt in years. And I'm back up on the higher Zyprexa- not sure if that was a good or a bad move- lowering the dose did seem to help for a bit.
Then I am been doing stupid things like forgetting to take my Provigil for two days which put me into suicidal hell. Now I am back on the Provigil- but the screaming inside hasn't stopped.
I think I am eating badly. At times too any carbs, and then I will go and eat a meal with no carbs or skip a meal, and get low blood sugar.
Today I don't know how I made it through the day at work. But my therapist after work- that didn't happen. I just drove home. I coudn't go. I was to exhausted from the depression, and the screaming inside of me was too loud, I needed to go home and be in my safe familiar place.
I will owe her for the session. But what could I do?
I will call my psychiatrist if I have to- but first I really have to have a week in which my meds are constant and I don't mess them up or get sick and through them up, etc. I need to know what my baseline is. And somehow I need too get a week in which I get some exercise and eat healthy as well.
But really, I don't think the solution is more meds. But if it isn't, I don't now what the solution is, or if I have the strength to do it. It is a catch-22. Maybe my solution would be to take up long distance running. I'd never be able to do that.
I don't know what to do about next week's therapy. If I give less than 24 hour's notice, I get billed (and can't send that bill the insurance company). I can't predict ahead of time how I will feel- I didn't know until about an hour before that I would never be able to go. It seem silly to quit therapy in the midst of a bad depression, but I have done this before because it was too hard to get there.