Insight

Yesterday I had a stressful day at work, and was really concerned I had done the wrong thing. In one case I had, in the other I hadn't- I was just being overanxious. But still, it made for a very worrying day. I had to remind myself that this was a temporary thing, this was from something that happened. This was not a sign that my meds were not working, etc.

Because my meds are really working well right now, and I have to resist the urge to tinker with them. I am, most of the time, feeling better than I have in at least 5 years, and I am more functional than I have been in years as well. And if it takes all of these meds to keep me here, so be it. I have had many times in my life when I did not expect to live this long.

If I keep questioning my meds, keep trying to lower something- like I recently did with the Zonegran, with bad results- it will take over my life. Or at least a big piece of my life. I take so many meds, there will always be something to try to lower, to adjust. If things are working, I am just going to let things stay for the moment.

Yes, I worry over what all of these meds are doing to my brain and my body. But I am exercising for the first time in years- that has to count for something too. Maybe it just takes a little more Zyprexa to get me to the yoga mat!

For years, I had been blaming my inability to do anything on the Zyprexa. I thought it was taking away my motivation. But I was wrong. It was low grade depression. And it has been the increase in my lithium and Zyprexa that has helped to break me though it.

 But I am holding the line at 7.5mg of Zyprexa, I really am. I cannot believe that there are people who take 20mg of this.