I gave in to the bribe offered by my health insurance company of $100 towards my health savings account to go to a talk on healthy eating. I really didn't want to go, I shouldn't have gone.
I got so upset during the talk. First- how I was only getting a measly $100 for this- but I am spending $450 every month just on my provigil that they won't pay for, and I have thousands of dollars that I spend each year before I meet my deductibles.
But I also felt like I was being lectured about my weight. It took me so long to get used to my body after the weight I gained on Zyprexa, and so many years not to be so totally self conscious about myself. I don't need this. I am not fat because I don't know how to eat. I am fat because I am often very hungry, sometimes too depressed to cook healthy, and occasionally I eat for comfort.
But it just made me think about how much people must judge me, as a healthcare worker being so obese. And I want to tell people- don't judge me until you have spent 15 years on Zyprexa. But I also know that not everyone gains as much as I do. I just don't like being hungry- some people don't mind it so much. I give in too easily. I gave in too easily when I was gaining in the beginning. The problem, I was so numb and depressed that first year I didn't care so much.
All of which brought up me questioning the Zyprexa, did I need it then, do I need it now, what if I had gotten off of it before I gained all that weight, etc. All in all, I went to a very bad place during the presentation, and had to run out to my car afterwards to take a half a klonopin to keep it together.
Well, the morning had been a really good morning. And by the time I got back to work in the afternoon the klonopin had started to kick in and I was able to focus on work. Until the last half hour, when I just crashed. My last patient had gone and I was making phone calls and doing notes and checking email and I thought I would collapse. But it seemed like the whole day was a high drama day- even work. And even home- my heat went out (woke up to cold and no hot water for a shower).
Now I am in my warm apartment and it is very nice. But I still feel like there is a hole inside of me when I think about the issues stirred up this afternoon. I need to find a way to reframe things so that they aren't so painful. But I haven't thought of how yet.
I have been eating healthier recently. My trip to Costco actually helped in this regard! I have such a hard time grocery shopping- buying mass quantities works for me, for everything except fresh produce. I must have a month's worth of chicken breasts in the freezer. I just cook them on the skillet and eat them with a salad or a bag of those frozen steamable vegetables. My big weakness these days is Chinese food.