The anxiety that I had been dealing with when I last saw my psychiatrist turned into this anxious, irritable depression. And then over the weekend I couldn't sleep. I turned to yet another drug: benadryl, which helped. I finally got a good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling so much better. I didn't even take any klonopin today, I didn't feel that anxiety. It was gone.
I even managed to get two things accomplished this weekend: I took my car in for servicing and went to Costco to pick up my provigil and shop. But these things really drained me.
I confess I am having a few "when is it going to get any easier" moments. This only lasted a week, I should be grateful- but it is so disruptive. How are you supposed to figure out how to live your life when half the time you are not sure you want to live?
But I think I am not just dealing with a mood disorder- I am dealing with the collateral damage from it. I didn't spend my twenties and early thirties figuring out my social identity, finding my soul mate, establishing structure and routines in my life. I spent these years in and out of psych hospitals. There is a lot that I never learned. This makes life that much harder, even when I am not in the midst of an episode. Plus my learning disabilities- that doesn't help either.
I'm not sure how to fix that piece. I thought that therapy might- but it hasn't. I think I need more structure. But I will have to create my own, and that isn't easy.