Saturday, December 6, 2014

Feeling paralyzed

I have things to do and I feel like I can't move. I just can't get myself going. It doesn't help that it is dark and rainy out- I need my sunshine. I just want to sleep, or at least do nothing. But I have said that I would make it to my dad's by dinner. And I have two errands to do before then. And my apartment is a complete wreck. And I have to pack my overnight bag because I am staying overnight.

I guess that is a muscle that I have to build- acting when I feel paralyzed. It is no use wishing that I didn't feel this way- or worse, thinking about the kind of life I could have had if I didn't have to so frequently fight just to act.

The problem is, my old weapon used to be cutting, and I really haven't found a new weapon- other than sheer force of will or telling myself all of the bad things that will happen if I don't act. Those can work, but there is only so much I can use them before I just start to feel like life is too much bother.

I haven't quite figured it out. I haven't read very far into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but I think that they are going to say to ignore- no accept- how you feel, but do your life anyway. Which is very hard when you feel like you physically cannot move.

But at least there may be a physical reason for this, which is the lack of synthroid last week. I'm back on it, but maybe it takes a while to get back to normal.

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