Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I finally looked

My incision is bigger than I thought. It it more triangular than a straight line. I guess that is why no sutures- they let it heal on its own with just steri strips. Thankfully it spares the nipple, but it is pretty close. All in all- it is a little worse than I thought it would be, but I can live with it. Well, I'll have to anyway. I think I'll buy some good scar stuff to put on it. Assuming of course that this is it- that this is a false alarm. And that I don't have another surgery in my future.

I have enough scars on me already- arms, legs, even a few on my stomach. Even my appendectomy scar. Somehow this one is different- or maybe it is different because I don't cut anymore. And because I want to have sex again someday. There, I said it. I do want that.

Except that most of today I didn't want that- I didn't want to be alive. It was a rough day. I am tired of these bad days. I was tired of the fight today. If I didn't have moments when things weren't a fight- then maybe I would have an easier time accepting that life is just a struggle and get over it. But I have moments when it isn't, and then I think that is how it should be- and then I hate the struggle even more.

Thankfully I saw my therapist today. It gave me some perspective, made me realize some steps I need to take- although how to take those steps remains the challenge.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

When my sister had a biopsy at age 22 or so it was a full incision and she was very upset about the scar. I got what was really good scar stuff for that time, some form of the silicon pads I think and it really worked well on the soft tissue.

I think it's probably pretty normal to feel cycle-y after an emotional experience, needing to wait for results and having drugs for the procedure. I get off lucky because vicodin is a mood stabilizer for me (one I obviously can't use long term but it does help with anesthesia reactions usually) but all of that can be really hard on your system.

Glad you made it through this part.