My incision is bigger than I thought. It it more triangular than a straight line. I guess that is why no sutures- they let it heal on its own with just steri strips. Thankfully it spares the nipple, but it is pretty close. All in all- it is a little worse than I thought it would be, but I can live with it. Well, I'll have to anyway. I think I'll buy some good scar stuff to put on it. Assuming of course that this is it- that this is a false alarm. And that I don't have another surgery in my future.
I have enough scars on me already- arms, legs, even a few on my stomach. Even my appendectomy scar. Somehow this one is different- or maybe it is different because I don't cut anymore. And because I want to have sex again someday. There, I said it. I do want that.
Except that most of today I didn't want that- I didn't want to be alive. It was a rough day. I am tired of these bad days. I was tired of the fight today. If I didn't have moments when things weren't a fight- then maybe I would have an easier time accepting that life is just a struggle and get over it. But I have moments when it isn't, and then I think that is how it should be- and then I hate the struggle even more.
Thankfully I saw my therapist today. It gave me some perspective, made me realize some steps I need to take- although how to take those steps remains the challenge.