Yesterday I was very anxious- which is unusual for me for a Saturday- it usually isn't until Sunday that I start getting anxious- I think about all the things I didn't get done and about the upcoming week. Saturday I can chill out. But Saturday I was very anxious- and I even took klonopin a couple of times and still had trouble falling asleep. I took my backup, benedryl- which seems to have a shorter half life than anything else I have so it leaves me with less of a hangover the next day then klonopin would. It helped but I still took a while to fall asleep and woke up a couple of times throughout the night.
One night of bad sleep is okay, especially when it is not on a weekend. I told myself that, and it helped. Don't worry over things that haven't happened yet. I am just worried because I do know that spring time often means a lot of anxiety and trouble sleeping, even if it isn't true mania or hypomania. And really, between the Zyprexa and the lithium and the Zonegran, I don't think I could go into true mania anymore. Which is good since I don't do happy manias. Hypomanias can be happy for a little bit- but if they stick around too long they turn bad. And my true manias have been really bad. That is why, at first, I didn't believe I was manic.
But I had some good insight into my depression this past week based upon the title of a blog post on "Psych Central." The title was something like "Depression vs. Chronic Shame." And the article itself had nothing to do with me- it was about people who had been abused as kids, and needed a certain type of psychotherapy to deal with it.
But I realize that I don't give myself permission to be happy sometimes. I feel too ashamed of myself and my life. Of how far behind I am on my paperwork. Of how fat I am. Of the limited social life/ beyond work life that I have. Of how dirty my apartment is. And so on. And this shame keeps me depressed, which stops me from cleaning, from going in on the weekend to do my paperwork (because I am home in bed), from exercising, from doing activities outside of work. I am too depressed and don't have the energy.
I feel like if I fixed my life, then I could be happy. But not only that- I have to fix my life in order for it to be okay to be happy. Or at least to have some sense of progress- then I could let myself be happy, and I am missing that right now.
I have had it at various times since going back to work as an OT. First, just going back to work. Then, having a couple of boyfriends. A different job- changing to hand therapy. And passing the CHT exam. And now- things seem to be at a stand still. How do I change that?
That is what I have to work on.