Yesterday my therapist asked me how I managed to do something, when normally I can't- and I felt annoyed, but didn't really know why. But now I realize- I could do it because the depression was better. I wasn't suddenly a better person with more willpower. I wasn't suddenly trying harder. I just was able to do it with the normal amount of trying that I give things- and things that normally seem impossible are starting to seem like they may be possible.
People have no idea how hard you try when you are depressed, they have no idea how hard it is to do anything- sometimes even to move. And if my therapist wants to give me credit now for getting out on the weekend it is credit that I don't deserve- because I only accomplished it because it was easier than the weekends in which it was too hard to get out of the house.
I do still really have to push myself, but what I am pushing against feels a little bit lighter.