Sunday, May 17, 2015

Trying to get going

Between being sick and my normal inertia, depression, etc., plus seasonal allergies, I am having a really hard time doing anything this weekend. And I really can't take much for my cold symptoms with all the other meds I take. I am very tired and feel like I can't move. I am putting the Lamictal on hold, in case that is making things worse.

I am doing laundry this morning and packing. That was to have been finished yesterday but was not. I am leaving a very dirty apartment behind- so much for cleaning. And then I have to go to work and do a lot of paperwork. That was also supposed to have been at least started yesterday, but I came home to sleep instead.

I am sort of sorry I am going- I wanted to get things to a better state before I left. Cleaning, paperwork, etc. I have so much to do. I didn't count on getting sick. But I also never go anywhere- and I want to break that cycle. I a want to do something.

I normally have a problem with initiation- and I have never figured out how much of that is residual depression or habit vs meds. But then throw being sick on top of that and it is just awful. Plus being sick doesn't exactly help my mood.

I have to work on this initiation. Opposite to emotion action- DBT. Maybe I just need to make a new habit. Even if it is partially the meds- sometimes you can overcome it. Like with sex. Effexor isn't kind to that. But I can still enjoy sex- as I tell my boyfriends- it just takes a little more work.

I don't know how many hours I can bear at work today doing notes. I had meant to break it up into two days. And then I have to drive for 2 and half hours to get to Omega. I hope it is good, this workshop and this week. Because there is such a big part of me that wants to stay home. I hope I show that part of me that I was wrong, that it is better to go and do something. Even if it is difficult.

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