Looking back, I can see a lot of things that have added up to darken my mood. I haven't been that consistent with my light therapy. I missed morning meds twice in the 2 weeks- usually it is no more than once a month. I have been exercising less with the cold and dark. Missing yoga sessions. Worrying about paying for my provigil. And trying to change the timing of meds to lessen my morning spaciness. Oh yes, and cutting down on coffee, my favorite antidepressant, due to headaches.
Maybe it is these things- or maybe it isn't. My depression tells me that it isn't. My depression tells me that it is my life- how empty and futile it is. And if I want to stop the depression, I have to "fix" my life (whatever that means). I wonder if I am having a mid life crisis. Is this all that there is? And is this the most I am capable of?
So do I fix my brain or my life? Right now I don't know how to do either. I just want to lie in bed, although I know that is not the solution.
Tomorrow yoga. And walking along the river. And Sunday church and going in to work to do paperwork, and going to the gym to swim. That is my plan. And somehow I also have to get to a grocery store. I should have known I was getting depressed- it has been getting harder and harder to grocery shop.