I went up on my Zyprexa by 2.5mg last night. Sometimes if I do that for a few days I can get myself out of a dark place. But I am really wiped out today, more so than I expected- or maybe it is just that I had wanted to do things today, and usually I am content to spend the time in bed.
I am sleepy. My body feels weak. I don't want to move. I didn't go to yoga on the grounds that I think I would be a fall risk. I am hoping that by late afternoon I will be up to a walk and a quick trip to the grocery store.
On the other hand, the screaming inside of me has stopped, if only for a little while. My mind isn't going to those dark places. But the price is too high if I can't get out of bed. I won't be doing this again tonight.
I found myself wondering if I could get the same effect by lowering my Zyprexa for a few days- (if I was able to survive the lowered dose period), and then my body would be less adapted to the Zypexa, and so when I went back up, it would be like an increase to my brain. And ditto for my antidepressant. It seems like a better solution than ever increasing dosages.
I do think there are things for me to learn from this depression- beyond the lesson that I can's skip light therapy sessions. But my life has seemed to be in s rut after what felt like progress, I do have this sense of, "is that all there is for me?" in life. I have to figure out what I really want in life and what I am capable of. And I have to get out of this rut. I had to stop giving in to winter- which is leading me to run home after work instead of doing the few things I had started to do.