Very moody these days

I've been very moody. I think it doesn't help that I am cutting down on my coffee, or that I am changing time timing of one of my meds to try to reduce the spaciness factor (it seems to be working). But the past two days, although in some ways I don't feel terrible, I am having terrible thoughts.

I don't seem to be depressed enough to be thinking so much about suicide, but I spent much of the day thinking about it. No, I am not going to do it. I think my brain was just kind of window shopping.

DBT teaches distress tolerance skills. But the premise is that you want to survive the distress. What if you don't? That has been my problem with DBT. That when my distress seems very existential- I am trying to figure out why I should be alive- it really isn't about distress tolerance. I guess that is what DBT's Wise Mind is about.

And sometimes I think that the best answer for why live is this: we all die. I will be dead soon enough. But life it a one time deal- so I might as well stay on the ride until the very end to see what happens. Death will come to me soon enough- I don't have to go looking for it.