Saturday, December 21, 2013

When little things feel like big things

Getting dressed is a drawn out process today. Getting clothing from my closet, then going back to lie on my bed some more. Then taking off pajama top. Looking for my bra. Going back to bed. Pulling on a sweat shirt. Back to bed. I have finally managed to put on my jeans, but I am dreading my shoes. When I am depressed, I hate to tie shoes, but it is too muddy outside to wear anything slip-on. And then there is brushing my teeth. Forget a shower- but thankfully I glanced in the mirror and my hair doesn't look too terrible. It can wait another day.

With depression, sometime the little things are the hardest things for me. I have called out sick because I couldn't get dressed. Usually, but not always, once I get to work or out of the house, it is a little bit better. But getting started is the really hard part. Initiation. That's what I lose. Like a car that won't start.

I really have to go grocery shopping today. I ate my last can of soup for lunch.

No matter how depressed, I can still eat- thank you Zyprexa. To think that I used to stop eating when I got depressed. That was a long time ago. In my pre-Zyprexa life. Every depression I would lose weight. Now I continue to be hungry, even when depressed- although when depressed I do have this sense that I can't figure out what I am hungry for and nothing is quite right. And sometimes I get so depressed that I will eat nothing that I have to chew. Just yogurt, pudding, ice cream, protein drinks, etc. Sometimes some creamed spinach will be acceptable.

What I find very hard to do when depressed is to grocery shop- I think it is even harder than cooking for some reason. Sometime about making decisions and suddenly I'm thinking about the future and whether I even need to buy food for next week because I don't know if I will be around for it. It is just very hard.

So now I am off to put on shoes and go grocery shopping.

No comments: