Monday I saw all of 2 patients, but got a lot of paperwork done. Yesterday I did see a lot of patients, but then today all of my morning patients have cancelled because of the snow and ice so I stayed home. I'll go in for my afternoon patients.
Our stat's look horrible this winter, and my boss is freaking out. And really, I don't know where the money will come from to pay us. But what can you do about the weather? It is what it is. Ironically, while the weather is keeping the outpatients away, it is driving the inpatient admissions up. Plus, in a few weeks I will be seeing the patients who have slipped and fallen and broken their wrists these past few days as their casts come off, or the man vs. snow blower injuries (I have yet to see a woman vs. snow blower injury).
It is hard to believe that I was at the pool just a few days ago. But I really don't mind the snow too much. It is already starting to be lighter earlier in the morning and later in the evening. It is the darkness that I can't take.
Last night I went to see my therapist, and while it was good to see her, I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about. I am still feeling better after my vacation, and still trying to keep that good feeling going. I am making plans of things to add to my life- but I don't want to make a commitment to her that I will do things. Because then if I don't I will just feel even more bad on top of feeling bad that I didn't do it. Maybe I really am ready to stop therapy pretty soon. Just in time to start paying for my provigil.
I know what I need to talk about in our remaining visits. How will I know if I get too depressed again to do my job and need to take time off? But she may not be able to give me the answer. Before my hospitalization this past year she was downplaying my statements of how impaired I felt at wok- I think she thought it was the depression talking. And it is a fine line, really. When do you push through, and when do you say, I shouldn't be here?