I read some anti-psychiatry blogs and sites occasionally, and I don't know why I do. I have decided to use medication for now- and yet. I have my doubts. What if all of this is wrong. What if antidepressants and antipsychotics make you worse in the long term. What if I am just weak- I can't get off my meds. So many doubts. Not enough data.
And then this weekend I was trying to lower meds, of course. But my reason was so that I would need less provigil. I had thought that I had found a "reasonable" price of $450 at Costo- but I think that they are no longer carrying it. And the next lowest price is almost $700. That is just too much, even if I quit therapy. I have to take less. In two weeks when I see my psychiatrist I will try appealing again, but I doubt I will be successful.
If I didn't have this last really big credit card debt to pay off- it would be different. I've paid off my other two, as well as my student loan. I've paid off my car. I hate being in debt. How can I spend that much every month when I am still thousands in debt?
Life gives you choices- but you may not like the choices that it gives you.
I need to stop messing with my meds and stop thinking that there is a way out of this. But I wish that I hadn't seen the $450 price that I can no longer find. I feel like I lost something that I never even had.
Eventually the price will drop more, I just have to remind myself that. And I make a lot of money- I was shocked when I did my taxes today to look at my total income. But between the money they take out for federal and state taxes, medicare and social security, my benefits, my health savings account, my retirement account, and my $10 to the United Way- there is a lot less that actually makes it into my take home pay.
I need to stop messing with my meds for a while. I just need stability. Even at that high price for a little while. Until the price drops some more- which it will.
Tomorrow I have a lot of paperwork to do at work. And then yoga. I haven't been there in a while, with all the snow and all. It should be good.
Tuesday I see my therapist. My 3rd to last session. I decided that I would stop by April- thinking that I had enough Provigil to get me to April. I was off my a month- it is really March- but I have my tax refund coming, so I'll keep going for one more month of every other week.
I know what I need to talk about. How will I know when things have gotten out of hand again, and what do I do. And I don't know if there is a right answer- it is such a find line between when when you push through and try to keep going or call a time out.