I spent the weekend out of town visiting my brother, his wife, and daughter. My niece! She is so precious. And they are just so- normal. Not in that they are ordinary- but in the absence of pathology sense. I always feel grounded after seeing them for a little bit.
How did my brother turn into this person? He has always been an amazing person- I just didn't know that fatherhood was in his future when he was younger, let alone that he would turn out to be this amazing father. It is nice to see.
I'm reading a book, "The Power of Habit" which is really good. I am starting to hope that I can change some of my habits- or create new ones- and create some order in my life- and that some things can get easier.
I've been thinking about plans for the next few months, things I want to accomplish. It is dangerous to make plans, too often depression or a spring-time hypomania will derail it all. I have paid for vacations that I never went on (I stayed home and lay in bed) because I was too depressed. But you can't stop planning. You can't give up on life. And so I plan.
Because a part of my mind also is always in denial, and thinks that I have seen my last depression. Because when you are not depressed, depression does not make sense. They are two different ways of seeing the world. When I am depressed, I cannot imagine not being depressed. And when I am not depressed, I cannot imagine being depressed again. It just doesn't make sense.
1 comment:
This is what Dr. Mind and I are working on. It IS so hard to plan and I am having a hard time even volunteering knowing that I can't really commit to anything because I will have months when I can do nothing, months when I am too manic to be useful or socially acceptable and yet I NEED something. I know I am going on vacation--but I know I will be able to because I'm not driving. I'm riding with my sister's family to help with the kids. Even that stresses me out a bit as the plan is to leave at 4 AM which means that I'll have to drastically reduce meds and won't get much sleep the night before we leave, which can be difficult. Funny enough Dr. Mind suggested blogging today....um, got that.
Nieces though are wonderful, aren't they? Mine have filled some hole in my life I didn't even really know was there. I'll be glad when Anne moves out of her current behaviors, but they are the best thing in my life.
JMJ
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