Back at work, it feels strange

I spent most of the past 5 days in the hospital with my dad except for Saturday. He had his surgery in the city so this involved staying in a hotel two nights and commuting the other days. It was very draining. He is still in the hospital, I went back to work today.

His heartbeat never came back enough after the open heart surgery, so after 5 days on an external pacemaker, he had a pacemaker placed today. The surgery went well. He could finally get out of bed today- they had been keeping him in bed. Hopefully he will get out of the ICU tomorrow and to a step-down unit. 

I was with my dad yesterday when the electrophysiology resident came by. My dad made a funny joke. He said, "I knew I needed a plumber. I didn't know I needed an electrician."

Meanwhile, I just feel so exhausted today. It is both physical and emotional. I just came home and ate- that is another thing I am doing- I just want to eat- and I don't know if it is the increased Zyprexa, the situation, the change in seasons (and no light therapy for the past week). I have been craving macaroni and cheese- which is something that I hardly ever let myself eat. Pure comfort food. Of course I didn't eat it- I didn't have any and didn't want to stop. And wanted to eat something healthier anyway. The problem is, I ate a few healthier things. 

To add insult to injury- I got a letter from my insurance company today offering me a "health coach." They say it is based upon claims data and diagnoses that are reported. I got a similar letter last year. Unless my health coach can tell me how to get provigil or nuvigil paid for, I am really not interested. My insurance company is not interested in my health, they really are not. They only care about their bottom line. I really think it is a conflict of interest to have an insurance company giving health advice.

Just like it is wrong to have a computer program giving medical advice. To get $100 added to my HSA each year I do this annual online health assessment. Only to be told that I should be on a low sodium diet. Which I really shouldn't. The effexor puts me at significant risk for low blood sodium. And a low sodium diet puts me at risk for lithium toxicity. Plus my blood pressure is well-controlled. One year I actually e-mailed them, but got no response. 

I am just writing because I am hoping that if I wait long enough the food that I ate will tell my brain not to be hungry anymore- but it is not working.