I am feeling sad today. I am trying to keep it in the moment, and not to project into the future. I have reasons to be sad. A lot of reasons. And I am lonely. I really need to get out more.
I don't know why this makes me feel sad- but I am going to visit my dad in rehab tomorrow. I am planning to bring Thanksgiving food. But my step-mother, and now my dad, keep telling me not to bring food, he will have turkey for his dinner there. But what about me? What will I eat? And what about having a shared meal? I thought that was the point. Now I don't even want to go. I'm not going to bring food just for myself.
Plus I am under orders from my step-mother not to bring up the impending breast biopsy. Not that he's the best person to talk to about it- she actually is, she has had breast cancer. I can't talk to my mother about it- she told me not to do it and to read Suzanne Summer's book on alternative treatments. Plus she is so overwhelmed with taking care of her mother right now- that she really can't focus on anything else.
I'm not afraid I'm dying. If there is anything there, which is unlikely, it is extremely early. I am afraid of the treatment if there is anything there. I want to keep my breasts. I don't want radiation or chemo. And- I just thought of this today- afraid that I will have to stop my birth control pill and not be able to go on HRT after menopause. Afraid of what that will do to my mental stability.
I do happen to know that Suzanne Summers is taking bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. But she also had a mastectomy. So she didn't just do alternative stuff.
It is the waiting that is the hard part. But at least at work today I forgot. I saw all of my patients by 2pm, at least the ones who didn't cancel because of the snow. I am really hoping that I can get my car out of the driveway tomorrow morning for the local Turkey Trot. It all depends upon when my landlord plows, or if it all melts overnight.
I also decided today that I am going to change my hours at work a little in the interests of patient care. I will have to see if that opens me up to different evening activities or support groups. And I am going to make that change soon- because I will be looking for a new therapist very soon and will need to know my hours.