Wednesday, November 26, 2014


I am feeling sad today. I am trying to keep it in the moment, and not to project into the future. I have reasons to be sad. A lot of reasons. And I am lonely. I really need to get out more.

I don't know why this makes me feel sad- but I am going to visit my dad in rehab tomorrow. I am planning to bring Thanksgiving food. But my step-mother, and now my dad, keep telling me not to bring food, he will have turkey for his dinner there. But what about me? What will I eat? And what about having a shared meal? I thought that was the point. Now I don't even want to go. I'm not going to bring food just for myself.

Plus I am under orders from my step-mother not to bring up the impending breast biopsy. Not that he's the best person to talk to about it- she actually is, she has had breast cancer. I can't talk to my mother about it- she told me not to do it and to read Suzanne Summer's book on alternative treatments. Plus she is so overwhelmed with taking care of her mother right now- that she really can't focus on anything else.

I'm not afraid I'm dying. If there is anything there, which is unlikely, it is extremely early. I am afraid of the treatment if there is anything there. I want to keep my breasts. I don't want radiation or chemo. And- I just thought of this today- afraid that I will have to stop my birth control pill and not be able to go on HRT after menopause. Afraid of what that will do to my mental stability.

I do happen to know that Suzanne Summers is taking bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. But she also had a mastectomy. So she didn't just do alternative stuff.

It is the waiting that is the hard part. But at least at work today I forgot. I saw all of my patients by 2pm, at least the ones who didn't cancel because of the snow. I am really hoping that I can get my car out of the driveway tomorrow morning for the local Turkey Trot. It all depends upon when my landlord plows, or if it all melts overnight.

I also decided today that I am going to change my hours at work a little in the interests of patient care. I will have to see if that opens me up to different evening activities or support groups. And I am going to make that change soon- because I will be looking for a new therapist very soon and will need to know my hours.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

For the small bit this is worth I am (based on symptoms, the only way to know once you've had a hysterectomy and left the ovaries although removing the tubes cuts the blood supply and the ovaries are usually done in 5 years; I'd started menopause already so this is probably accurate) well into or nearing menopause and for me it has had to be completely HRT free since the last time I got a teeny bit of hormones in my body I was suicidal for 9 months and my experience on the pill wasn't that much better. Hormones just aren't good for my body. That's the only reason I have ovaries; it would have been ideal to remove them with my hysterectomy but they were afraid that I would require literally months of hospitalization if they cut off the hormones abruptly or tried to change to anything my body wasn't controlling. And like a decent (majority I think) percent of bipolar women menopause is a gift. As I lose the hormones it appears that my moods are becoming somewhat more stable. I've had the longest period of not having a severe episode that I've ever had, almost 8 months now I think, and during a very difficult time between my family and my ankle surgery. I even went pretty far down and went back up without a med change (well, we tried one but it failed). Since I'm now having hot flashes rarely and only 1 night sweat in at least 6 months (that last week of course) it seems that the end is nearing and my body won't be contending with changing hormones or hormones that it hates much longer. And it likes it. So maybe eventual HRT at least isn't something to worry about.

I think that the first thing Dr Mind made me memorize is probably at play for you right now "Do what you can do, as you can doit". Not easy advice but good advice nonetheless.