Monday, March 2, 2015

Less Zyprexa and I survived

I was afraid I'd have withdrawal symptoms, but I guess 5 days on the higher dose wasn't enough to give me withdrawal. It wasn't too bad. I was depressed and anxious at times- but no more than a week ago before going up on the Zyprexa. And most importantly, none of that inner screaming inside that I had last week that had me reaching for the drug. Just normal depression.

Not that normal depression isn't bad. In fact, it gets no respect. It eats away at your life, it kills you quietly and in small pieces. And people will tell you that you seem okay, that this "isn't a bad one." "At least I am not in the hospital." Is the bar that low for my life? Talk about low expectations.

And yes, I haven't missed work. But I spent the weekend in bed. I haven't done anything else- and have let some things slide at work. I am tired of my life being judged by the ability to make it to work. I'd like to be able to do something else too for a change.

I am in the catch-22 situation. I am depressed because my life sucks. But my life sucks because I am depressed. But it is impossible to fix my life when I am depressed- I'm just holding on for dear life. So how do I get out of this cycle? I've never figured this one out, although my therapist seems to think that small changes are the answer. But I want something big.


paullamb said...

I wish I had some answers for you, but right now I really feel like a victim of my condition and a prisoner of my treatment.

I'd send you butterflies and chocolates if I could.

Jason Allen said...

I'm quitting it for the 5th time, this time for good, what comes may come.. :)