I think I may have to break up with my therapist on the grounds that he is too mentally healthy and he is very good with his paperwork. He doesn't understand how much I struggle, and it is hard to explain. Even just the paperwork part.
I'm sure if I stayed for months he would understand more about me- but do I want to give it months?
My insurance company has messed up my deductible and I am paying full price again. I had to charge my last session- and I think that, trying to be helpful my therapist scheduled me for two week's time as I was doing better. But once I go down to every other week it never seems helpful. Or perhaps I just have more time to question why I am going.
Today my mood crashed, which is not surprising given that I got up at 3am to go into work early and do notes. Perhaps it is just as well that I didn't have therapy after work as I have been dizzy and light-headed since the afternoon. I just wanted to go home and watch the Game of Thrones finale.
It is my obsession. But I feel like it is at least one "normal thing" that I am into. Something that gets me out of myself. But now- how will I manage until the next season? Maybe I will need therapy for that! Fortunately I have the books to read.
I am not sure where my therapy is going right now. At least I felt like my last therapist knew me. I would like to do a DBT program, but there is nothing near me- it would be quite a drive, and I just don't have the energy for that with work. Plus I would have to change my work hours. And if they required me to see a therapist there it could be even more time consuming.
What I think my therapist doesn't get- because he hasn't seen me that long- it that if I have a week or two in which I get more things done- it isn't because I have had some kind of breakthrough. It is because my depression is a little less. And when the depression comes back I might just lose anything I seem to have gained and be back to square one.
Of course that doesn't mean don't try, don't fight. But it means that if I keep trying with the expectation that things will eventually get easier, I am likely to be disappointed. I try not to have that expectation, but I can't help it. I do.
Today I was so weary of life, so weary of trying. It just seemed too hard. I hope a good night's sleep fixes that.
I'm thinking of all the money I would save if I quit therapy. I could get new glasses next month- I'd have enough money in my health savings account. And I am wondering how to fight my insurance company for messing up my deductible.