Monday, June 15, 2015

What to do about therapy?

I think I may have to break up with my therapist on the grounds that he is too mentally healthy and he is very good with his paperwork. He doesn't understand how much I struggle, and it is hard to explain. Even just the paperwork part.

I'm sure if I stayed for months he would understand more about me- but do I want to give it months?

My insurance company has messed up my deductible and I am paying full price again. I had to charge my last session- and I think that, trying to be helpful my therapist scheduled me for two week's time as I was doing better. But once I go down to every other week it never seems helpful. Or perhaps I just have more time to question why I am going.

Today my mood crashed, which is not surprising given that I got up at 3am to go into work early and do notes. Perhaps it is just as well that I didn't have therapy after work as I have been dizzy and light-headed since the afternoon. I just wanted to go home and watch the Game of Thrones finale.

It is my obsession. But I feel like it is at least one "normal thing" that I am into. Something that gets me out of myself. But now- how will I manage until the next season? Maybe I will need therapy for that! Fortunately I have the books to read.

I am not sure where my therapy is going right now. At least I felt like my last therapist knew me. I would like to do a DBT program, but there is nothing near me- it would be quite a drive, and I just don't have the energy for that with work. Plus I would have to change my work hours. And if they required me to see a therapist there it could be even more time consuming.

What I think my therapist doesn't get- because he hasn't seen me that long- it that if I have a week or two in which I get more things done- it isn't because I have had some kind of breakthrough. It is because my depression is a little less. And when the depression comes back I might just lose anything I seem to have gained and be back to square one.

Of course that doesn't mean don't try, don't fight. But it means that if I keep trying with the expectation that things will eventually get easier, I am likely to be disappointed. I try not to have that expectation, but I can't help it. I do.

Today I was so weary of life, so weary of trying. It just seemed too hard. I hope a good night's sleep fixes that.

I'm thinking of all the money I would save if I quit therapy. I could get new glasses next month- I'd have enough money in my health savings account. And I am wondering how to fight my insurance company for messing up my deductible.

1 comment:

paullamb said...

I've quit my meds (no apparent benefit, lots of side effects) and I've stopped going to my therapist. She was good, and I trusted her, but as you say, I don't think she actually gets what it's like living in the black hole. I'd like to find a therapist who actually has depression, but that's not something that is advertised.

I also know what you mean about it all not being worth trying to get through. Lately it's been like pushing through molasses again. Nothing is worth the bother. Everything is meaningless.

But maybe today will be different.