According to my therapist...

I think too much. I make things too complicated. I try to find solutions for things that I should just accept. And I am not present, I am not in the moment.

And she is right- to a certain extent. But I am still trying to figure out what my version of mindfulness is. Except sometimes, it is much easier than others to be present.

Like when I had a massage this afternoon. I was just about as present as I get. And I didn't have to use mantras or breathing or anything like that (although I did start out like that). I just had to experience it. And it was beautiful. Although- not as "good" as the past two in a certain sense- my body is looser, I don't feel like I "need" a massage so much like I did the first two times. 

Sometimes I get so tense in my shoulders, my whole body even, I just feel like I need a massage. But until recently, I never got them (except for a couple of vacation). And yes, it turns out, that a good massage does fix the problem. At least for a while.

I did see my therapist today. I did somehow go to the gym- I walked a mile, did a few weights. I deposited some checks at the bank. I got a massage. I came home and collapsed.

Laundry remains undone. There is always tomorrow. I am on vacation.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I don't know what I want from him. The sensible thing to do is to give these med increases more time. I'm just panicking already at the thought of going back to work next week, that I still won't be able to function. I was hoping my therapist would have some magic suggestion, something I could do with my week off to make me better. Of course, she didn't. She told me to practice being more mindful. And I'm not knocking it- but it is not the magic answer I wanted.

And I wish I could say that walking a mile cured me. It did make me less anxious, but the depression unchanged. I wonder how many miles you have to walk to get out of a depression?

Massage was the best part of the day. I booked one for next week, too. What is money for?

It sounds like a better day, but I am not okay. If I have done slightly more, it only serves to remind me how far I have to go to get back to any kind of life that I would want to live. But that is not being mindful, not being present. That is analyzing. But that is who I am, I can't help it.

That is what I always hated about CBT. I have judged myself for my actions (or more likely inactions) very frequently in the past. But my thoughts- I never used to judge myself for that. Now, even my thoughts are wrong. Just another thing that is wrong with me.

But I know, I am supposed to judge my thoughts- not myself for having those thoughts. A very subtle difference when I am depressed.