Thursday, May 10, 2012

Went to bed crying... woke up better

I woke up in a good mood. Really. OK, not in love with the world, but not feeling depressed. And I went to bed crying.

It is day 3 of the increased Wellbutrin XL. And for me, historically, whatever it is going to do, it is probably going to do in the first few days. Or at least that has been how it was at lower dosages. This could always be different.

Of course it didn't hurt that I have been off of work this past week, and that I spent a couple of days with family- but I've done that before and felt no better. I think a lot of this is the Wellbutrin.

But I am still very anxious. I'm not sure how much of that is the Wellbutrin, how much is anxiety about all the things I have to do and going back to work next week.

Today my plan is to do a load of laundry, walk, and go to a support group. I don't get to it much when I work because it is an evening that I work late, and I'm usually tired, tonight I have no excuse.

But I think I have also been avoiding it because it meets in the cafeteria of an inpatient psychiatric hospital. It is actually in a locked area, they have to buzz you in and out. And that was just a little too- well, I was feeling so bad I was starting to feel like I belonged there- as an inpatient, not a visitor. It was just too disturbing to go there.

It has been almost 10 years since I have been in the hospital. I'm not going back. But I wonder, has anything changed for the better? Do they have treadmills or exercise equipment on units now, or do you still have to pace the halls? Do they have light boxes or full spectrum lighting for the SAD patients? Probably not.

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