Monday, May 21, 2012

It has been a very bad weekend

I got a stomach bug over the weekend, and couldn't keep even water down (no meds) for 24 hours. Perhaps that is why I have been so bad. I had just started to think I was doing a little bit better. But between yesterday and today, it has been just horrible.

Klonopin to the rescue today, as I took the day off. I'm not sure it is the right drug to take. It is not really anxiety I am feeling, it is hopelessness. But the way I feel, I'll take any drug. And I think that it has helped some. I am starting to feel calmer, feel better, and the tears have stopped. For how long, I don't know.

We have drugs that will stop anxiety, or agitation pretty quickly. But not so for depression. Or, perhaps we do but such drugs are just illegal. And maybe they would have such a rebound effect that I wouldn't want to deal with them anyway.

I felt so depressed and despairing last night I almost didn't take my meds. I'm not going to take all these pills just so that I can feel this bad! But, as some of this bad mood may have been a withdrawal effect, I decided not to be stupid, and took them. This is not the time to try to go off of things. And not like that.

I sort of have this cycle I'm stuck in, where I keep questioning. To what extent am I depressed because my life sucks? To what extent does my life suck because I am depressed? Am I capable of fixing my life in any way? If I fix the depression (meds, therapy, vitamins, etc.), will I be more capable of fixing my life? Or am I just someone who is not capable of very much, ever?

I thought that when I got off of disability, my life would have some kind of a progression, that things would someday get easier. That I would begin to have more of a life. But that was eight and a half years ago. And things really haven't gotten much easier. And the excitement of the newness of working, living on my own, has worn off. I want more- but I don't know how to get it. Getting to work takes just about everything out of me. There isn't anything left.

I have days, occasionally, when my mood is good, my energy is good, and my mind is clear. And I have a vision of what life could be. But not my life, apparently. Those days are all too few.

I cancelled my therapy session for tomorrow because it seems that all I can do right now is complain. And I don't have any answers, and neither does she. And I'm tired of crying, which is what I have been doing in my sessions recently. I can do that at home.

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