Saturday, May 5, 2012

I think I hit bottom, I think I am going up (a little bit)

I had hit bottom. And as miserable as it was, it was almost comforting. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to give up. Maybe for a short period of time, with a leave of absence, or maybe on life itself- somewhere between there were my options. But it was time to stop fighting.

I sat in my therapist's office and cried the whole session. She asked me if I needed a "more intensive level of care." I told her no. But a part of me was saying yes inside- except that, I didn't think there was anything a "more intensive level of care" could do. I had a vacation coming up, and was determined to stick it out that long- then I could collapse. And maybe then I could figure out what I had to do.

My parents "made" me call my new psychiatrist (I was going to wait until the next appointment), and he had me raise another med. I was not optimistic. I didn't think it would make any difference, but at least I could say I was trying. So now, both my antidepressants have been raised in the past two weeks.

But in the last 3 days, in spite of myself, I think I am feeling just a little bit better. And it is almost worse than feeling uniformly bad.

Because when you are pretty much 100 percent bad, decisions are clearer. But what happens when you are 10 percent good? Then major conflicts start to happen. Maybe I'm not going to give up, maybe I can make it. But it is still so hard- and there is the fear that I am going to stay this way, the 10% is all I am going to get. And I am still not going to be capable of functioning.

But I am on vacation this week, so maybe 10% is enough to leverage into something more. Plus, there is more time for meds to work. I'm trying to get better about eating- while I still can't shop or cook, I'm at least drinking protein shakes, etc. I've ordered some new supplements that I think might help with my energy. I am determined to walk at least 1 mile each day this week. I can do it at the gym, on a treadmill- even though it would be better to walk outside- but I feel like I am going to collapse half the time, so having arm rails will be helpful and comforting. And this weekend I will go in to work to try to get caught up on paperwork. I can be alone, and if I cry, there is no one there to care. And if I sit staring into space half the time because I can't concentrate, there is no one to see.

I don't know what I will do if I still feel like this at the end of the week. But I don't have to worry about that yet.

I am hoping I feel good enough to do at least an overnight backpacking trip by the end of the week. That would be great. But it is not going to happen if I still feel this exhausted. If I still feel like this.

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