Saturday, May 5, 2012

Easier said than done

I didn't keep to my plans for today. I spent most of the day in bed. It is so much easier to set goals than to do them. But it was kind of nice in bed, relatively speaking. Compared to the past week. Nice to stop fighting for a little bit. Although in the long run, I'll probably feel worse if I keep doing it. Or maybe not.

The past week, I kept thinking, I am so tired, and so tired of feeling this way, I can't wait for life to be over. And it will be, eventually. Perhaps that is what keeps me alive- knowing that I don't have to bare this forever, it will come to an end, whether I want it to or not.

The myth is that depression is just unhappiness. It's just a bad mood. It is so much more than that. It takes away your energy, your ability to feel joy, your ability to concentrate, your ability to function.

Everything becomes so damn hard. And when you push yourself hard enough, you find that you can do some things, some of the time- and so it is hard to understand or explain (even to yourself) why you are not doing everything. No one else can see that you are moving in a sea of molasses, while everyone else is moving in air.

I was supposed to go to a dinner today. I felt too guilty to cancel, even though I didn't want to go. But at the last minute, I realized I did not have one thing to wear that didn't need washing. I haven't done laundry in ages- I have even been wearing fancier tops to work because that is what I had left (and of course I'm" recycling" my underwear). I had nothing to wear. I cancelled, last minute, and feel very guilty- and relieved.

I'm feeling lonely tonight, but wanting people who would understand- and I wouldn't find that there. There is a DBSA group that I have gone to a few times, but that isn't until later in the week. I always wish there was something on weekends. I am so busy with work during the week- and work some evenings- so it is hard to make weekday meetings.

I am just complaining today. It is one of those days. Tomorrow I will be better. I have to be- there are things that I really have to do.

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