Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wellbutrin and Family

I saw my psychiatrist, who raised my Wellbutrin to 300mg. It was the right, conservative thing to do. But I left and went to my car and sobbed, because I didn't think it would work. Although, I don't think I would have beleived in anything else, either. I just wanted a magic wand, I guess.

So the very same day, I took a second of my 150mg pills. And I started feeling a little bit energized, and a lot anxious- but something! And historically, wellbutrin for me has started to work very fast, so that is a good sign.

It has been three days of wellbutrin, and I feel more anxious, more agitated, but less depressed. Thank god I am on vacation. I can take klonopin to try to wait the bad stuff out. The first night I didn't fall asleep until almost morning.

But I am also at my dad and stepmom's house, and they are doing their best to be good to me and distract me, and feed me good food. And that helps too. So what is the wellbutrin, and what is family? I may find out tomorrow when I go home.

I try not to think about going back to work next week, and wondering if I will be any better able to function than I was last week. I have to be. That is what is weighing on me right now. No one seems to beleive me when I tell them how dysfuctional I have been recently.

But it is what it is. And I guess I will find a way to deal with it, as everyone keeps telling me that I will. But I have lost all confidence in myself, even when the depression dims for a little bit. I don't trust myself to be able to function, that I can keep enough of the depression at bay. It becomes circular. I am depressed over the fact that that I am depressed, and anxious over how much it has taken from me, and whether I will be able to get it back.

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