Monday, May 14, 2012

Vacation is over...

My first day back at work was better than my last day before vacation, so I must be doing better. Not great, but better. Fortunately it was a very light day.

This evening I had another massage scheduled, although it may be my last for a while. It was really good. She did some different things for the depression, instead of the other things she does for muscle tension- and it was really good. But so far the effects aren't lasting more than a day (mood-wise), so this is an expensive investment to do too often. Physically, it has helped a  lot with my tight shoulders and tension headaches. I will go back, I just don't know when.

I am thinking of trying acupuncture. Great, something else my health insurance won't pay for. But they are not paying for my psychiatrist either (he is out of network), or for my provigil, either. There is a lot they don't pay for.

I know what I need to do is exercise. But it is easier to want someone to fix me.

Although, there have been a couple of times I was exercising a lot, and still was very depressed. So maybe that wouldn't cure me. But it might.

I don't even know what I mean by cured. It sounds like curing meat, or a ham.

I mean better. Better than I am now. In some way. Things haven't been great in a long time, but I haven't felt this level of despair in a while. The things I have tried to do to change my life in recent years just don't seem to be working! And I don't know where to go from here.

Even getting a personal trainer backfired. I still have back pain from it.

I know no pill can fix me. But sometimes I will settle for a little relief from suffering.

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