"Like a Christian Scientist with Appendicitis"

One of my favorite lines from Tom Leher.

And it is kind of how I feel. I don't believe in meds like I used to, and yet... what else to do when I feel like this?

Who do I listen to, the people who say meds work, at least for the severely depressed? Or those who say that they don't, and even make you worse in the long run?

I think it is too late for me to change course. I am on meds, my brain has spent more of its life medicated than non-medicated. There is no going back. Even though it isn't clear to me if staying on them is making me better or just saving me from withdrawal effects at this point.

If I win the lottery, and don't have to work anymore, I will try going off of my meds. But until then, I have to take them. I can't spend weeks (or months) disabled.

I do think that antidepressants have worked for me, at least in the short term. And I do know that at least 2 drugs, tegretol and zyprexa, have kept me from mania. Of course, I didn't get manic until years of antidepressant use and then being taken off of lithium cold turkey...

And the occasional quarter milligram of klonopin can help me to push through my bad feelings and do what I need to do for a little bit.

And the provigil helps me to concentrate- although it is short acting and I have to take it twice a day, and I get extremely depressed if I skip a dose. I hate that.

I hate that I take so many drugs. But if they were all "working," if my mood was good- I'd be okay with it. But it is hard to justify taking all of these drugs when I feel this bad.

Whenever I see a new psychiatrist, they always ask me if I have used illegal drugs. And I say, don't I take enough drugs already? No, I have never used illegal drugs. But maybe I should have. Maybe that was my mistake- my choice of drugs. I might have been better off with cocaine!

Actually, what I have wondered about recently is nicotine for depression. No, not cigarettes. But maybe the gum, or a patch. It can't be any worse for you than Zyprexa.

Meanwhile, I am megadosing on CoQ10. I have ordered some supplements the are supposed to support mitochondrial health, hoping that it will help my energy level. I also ordered DHEA, but I haven't decided yet if I am going to take it. I really should be getting my levels tested by someone if I am going to go that route- but that would probably mean another doctor. And probably another doctor paid out of pocket, and I am really broke. I just bought my car from my lease, I am really broke. And I don't want to see another doctor, anyway. I have the feeling that this new psychiatrist wouldn't be open to doing a blood test for my level.